You Get What You Give

I love the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and not just because Scarlett Johansson stars in it. Vicky and Christina are American friends spending the summer in Barcelona. Christina is free spirited, adventurous and self destructive. Vicky is uptight, cautious and analytical. The movie revolves around their steamy love triangle with the Portugese artist, Juan Antonio, played by Javier Bardem.

Juan Antonio takes Vicky to meet his Dad, a brilliant poet who for many years has refused to publish his work. The following conversation takes place between Juan Antonio and Vicky.

Vicky: “So, uh, tell me, why won’t your father publish his poems?”

Juan Antonio: Well, because he hates the world, and that’s his way of getting back at them — to create beautiful works and then . . . to deny them to the public.”

Vicky: “ My God. Well, what makes him so . . . angry toward the human race?”

Juan Antonio: “Mm, because after thousands of years of civilization . . . they still haven’t learned to love.”

I can understand his frustration, but stinginess won’t teach the world to love. On the contrary, it will just spread more fear and mistrust and create an unending cycle of scarcity. The world doesn’t need to be punished for its imperfection. It needs to be healed; and that will only happen when we overcome the fear that giving is losing, and dispel the myth that generosity is risky. Fear that masquerades as stinginess grows like a cancer when left unchecked.

Stinginess has all sorts of sneaky ways of manifesting in your life, each with a fear shaped shadow trailing behind. Whether it’s related to money or praise or a helping hand, stinginess is an outer manifestation of an inner fear. In the movie, Cristina is stingy with commitment, fearing the loss of independence. VIcky is stingy with spontaneity, fearing the loss of control.

What are your moments of miserly meanness? At what points does stinginess leave a sting in your life?

Maybe you withhold praise, afraid you might lose your status.

Maybe you withhold challenge, afraid that you might lose a friend.

Maybe you withhold affection, afraid that you might be rejected and lose face.

Maybe you withhold love, afraid that you might lose your power.

Maybe you withhold wisdom, afraid you might lose your edge.

Maybe you withhold emotion, afraid you might lose your cool.

Maybe you withhold generosity, afraid you might lose your lifestyle.

Maybe you withhold an apology, afraid you might lose the upperhand.

Maybe you withhold forgiveness, afraid you might lose the excuse to stay angry.

Maybe you withhold your best in the world, afraid that your best is not good enough.

In each case you are afraid you will lose something, so you play it safe and keep the cards of your generosity close to your chest. Fear, fear and more fear. Stinginess is a way of playing small in the world, as if kindness is in short supply and if you just keep your head down no one will notice or need you.

But people do need you and people do notice you. Your stinginess neither serves the world nor does it serve you. In fact, it is the cause of so much pain in your life. Conquer stinginess by conquering fear, and believe that your thoughts, words and actions are an essential part of the fabric of life. Nothing is lost when you give with a big heart – and so much is gained. The truth is that when you give something, you haven’t lost it. You have created more of it. Despite what Phil Collins sang in the 1980s, there IS enough love to go around. We can all dwell in abundance.

The 14th century Saint, Catherine of Sienna encouraged everyone to be all that they could be in a world in such need of healing. “Hold nothing back,” she said. Her mantra, “You make the heart big, not stingy – so big it has room in its loving charity for everyone.”

So what are you waiting for? Whatever you think is lacking in your life, give it to others. Watch the appreciation, affection and compassion flood back into your life. You get what you give in precise measure because the act of giving reminds you of what is inside of you to begin with.

Sometimes your acts of kindness literally return to you. A farmer in South Dakota lived in a remote area, and her old and frail father lived about 12 miles away. One day as the farmer was driving home she saw a car by the side of the road. She didn’t usually stop for strangers, but for some reason decided to stop and see if the man peering into his smoking engine was all right. She drove to a neighboring farm, picked up some water and got the man’s car moving again. He was profusely thankful, and reached into his wallet to offer her money. She refused the money, and suggested that instead of paying her back, he could pay the kindness forward by helping the next person he saw broken down by the side of the road. The man agreed and they went their separate ways.

Two weeks later, the farmer’s father called with an interesting story. He had gone to an auction about 50 miles away and had a flat tire. His daughter was horrified. She knew that he had been on a deserted strip of road that very few people drive on; and she knew that her father wouldn’t have had the strength to change the tire himself.

The father said, “You wouldn’t believe it. A man stopped to help me. I offered to pay him after he changed my tire. He refused the money and said that two weeks ago a woman had stopped to help him when he broke down and he was repaying this woman by helping me.”

Give something valuable away today. Give a compliment. Give blood. Give a beaming smile that stops someone in their tracks. Give a gift for no particular reason. Give mercy. What word is in the middle of the word “forgiveness”? Give! Don’t be stingy with forgiveness. Give the benefit of the doubt. Give second chances. Accept that others are doing the best they can, and the same river of acceptance will flow freely back to you. Give freely and feel your own wealth multiplying with each gift. You are becoming fuller and more fulfilled with each act of kindness. The seed of love is in the palm of your hand and on the tip of your tongue.

Ps- please visit Soulseeds for our new Secret Agents of Kindness cards for children. We offer both home and school editions, as well as an adult version called Seeds to Deeds.

What Goes Around Flows Around

A verse in the Jewish text called the Talmud says, “Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, “Grow, Grow.”
What a beautiful image! I like to think that the tiny beads of dew on grass at this time of year are perspiration, as the grass strains for one last inch of growth before the brown winter days set in. It’s as if the sun is whispering, “Grow, Grow. Reach for the stars. Just a little bit more. You can do it.” Nature has its exquisite patterns of growth and change. Mushrooms hover over blades of grass as if they are umbrellas to soften the fall of rain. Every blade of grass, every leaf and drop of water is part of an ecosystem and all ecosystems are intimately related.

Learn from nature. Nature is in its harvest season, and it is reminding you to, “Grow, Grow. Just a little bit more.” Every turning and falling leaf is calling you to fulfill your personal potential and be all that you can be. They are reminding you that growth is not always a linear process but it almost always involves change. Human beings grow the same way a leaf falls to the ground- back and forth, two steps forward and one step back. Be prepared to change and fall, many times and then get back up. Sometimes you grow in one area of your life and not in another. As Anais Nin said, “Growth is relative. We are mature in one realm, and childish in another.” Celebrate your own crazy, unpredictable and sometimes even erratic growth.

Growth happens in its own time. Learn from the bamboo tree. After four years of care and attention it shows virtually no growth. But all the time it is spreading its roots deep in the earth and growing from the inside (or the underside) out. Suddenly in the fifth year it begins to grow visibly. And man does it grow. For 6 weeks it grows up to 3 feet per week, rising effortlessly towards the sun. Sometimes it’s like that for you. You work and work at a particular part of your life, and see no progress. At the height of discouragement, you suddenly begin to grow and man do you grow. There is no greater experience than to be surprised by your own growth.

Have you ever been surprised by a stray sun flower? Where did it come from? In among the invasive weeds and carefully planned flowers, this long stemmed miracle lights up the garden with its wide faced grin. They all come from somewhere- the weeds, the flowers, and the sunflower. Whether it is a stray seed blowing in the wind, a fallen apple seed or the after effects of a windswept floral flurry, they all came from somewhere. Whether you realize it or not, you may have prepared the way for this radiant Apollo. Having grown to fullness, she in turn becomes an elegant bird feeder for stray hummingbirds and goldfinches. These unwitting accomplices then plant the next harvest as they feast on sunflower seeds like children with cake. It’s the perpetual cycle of growth and rebirth.

Growth often arrives like a stray sunflower. You can’t always trace its path and the source of growth may be as random as cake crumbs. In any case you often become aware of growth after the fact. Nature reminds you to watch and be mindful. Your thoughts are powerful, and wherever you place your attention there you shall dwell. Plant seeds in your life that will reap a harvest you can be proud of. Begin with awareness. Thoughts are to awareness, as the sunflower is to the sun. One shines, the other follows. This harvest season you are a beautiful flower opening yourself to the sun, as if to say, “I’m here and I’m growing and I’m ready to shine.”

Harvest Connections

One of the features of this harvest that will live long in the minds of the global community was the miraculous rescue of 33 miners in Chile who appeared out of the ashes, rising out of the ground in a long stemmed metal phoenix. Against all odds the earth gave them back to their families like a harvest miracle of rebirth. What an awesome image it was to watch the miners being rescued one by one, reunited with loved ones and seeing their relief and joy. It was a reminder, like every harvest, to take nothing for granted. Life is a precious gift. Give thanks for every moment of living and loving. Make the most of every opportunity for giving and growing.

While we celebrate the miners’ safety and the strength of the human spirit, let us not lose sight of the reason they were trapped under ground in the first place. They were the lucky ones. Nine miners died in this same mine in recent years. The mine wasn’t safe and was possibly only open because of bribes to government regulators. 33 miners have died this year in Chile alone. It didn’t make news headlines, but 20 miners died in a mine in China just yesterday with another 20 trapped underground. Thousands of people die in Chinese mines every year and dozens in American mines.

Harvest reminds us that we reap what we sow. There is always a connection and there is always a consequence. Did you know that there are fewer apples in Michigan this harvest than many growers have seen in a generation? You might not have noticed because the price is unchanged and the shelves are full. We just ship them in from other places and it doesn’t even appear to cost any more. Why is there such a small apple harvest? Because of the warm weather in March which caused the apple trees to bloom early, followed by a May frost that wiped out many of the crops. All things are related. Our globalized food system blinds us to the realities of the harvest. But there is a cost, even if we don’t see it right away, when we ship food around the world. Let us not be blind to the real cost of our lifestyles.

Similarly, let us not be blind to what happened in Chile. People end up trapped in mines because of a greedy industry that is driven by the demand of consumers and takes short cuts to squeeze every penny of profit out of the earth no matter what the risk to worker safety. Do you remember the line in the Grateful Dead song, “If you plant ice, you’re gonna harvest wind.” If we bleed the earth dry, there will be nothing left to harvest.

Harvest is a reminder to us that the earth is cyclical. She has her own patterns that we need to respect for the good of all. Harvest reminds us that all ecosystems are related, the actions of one affect all others, and decisions made today affect future generations.

We need an inner harvest to match the outer harvest. We need to learn about inner abundance before we are truly prepared to enjoy an outer abundance. We need to grow our compassion alongside our consumption, our perspective alongside productivity. Maybe we could learn about patience from the Bamboo Tree or the Teak Tree which takes 75 years before it can be harvested. We want everything NOW, but everything may not be ready NOW. Give growth time, and live mindfully.

What are you Sowing?

Every thought, word, choice and action has its consequences. Take for example this inspiring story about unknown consequences.

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, up to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

‘I want to repay you,’ said the nobleman. ‘You saved my son’s life.’

‘No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,’ the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel.

‘Is that your son?’ The nobleman asked.

‘Yes,’ the farmer replied proudly.

‘I’ll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.’ And that he did.

Farmer Fleming’s son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London. He went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterwards, the same nobleman’s son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name? Sir Winston Churchill.

What goes around comes around. The good you do today creates the fertile soil in which tomorrow can thrive. You never know who will benefit from the good you do today. You can’t even measure the positive effects of mindful actions.

Give for the Greater Good

Maybe the most inspiring and impressive thing about the Chilean miner story is their pact to share all the bounty of their fame. In the midst of their Lord of the Flies ordeal, they made an agreement to establish a common fund. All their book royalties and publicity rewards will be shared in common. I don’t know what happened down there, and I’m sure it wasn’t all roses, but it seems like they organized in a cooperative manner. Maybe the experience made them realize that they are intimately connected, and wealth means nothing if you aren’t living for something greater than your own gain.

What is it that you want to gift to the world? This is your time for harvesting the gifts of your humanity. You are not an isolated being and your actions DO matter, both now and in the future. Live your deepest values. Do what fills you with optimism and keeps you connected to all other beings.

May you always be hopeful gardeners of the spirit, who know that without darkness, nothing comes to birth, as without light, nothing flowers.

May nature teach you stillness as the grass is instilled with light.

May the earth teach you courage as the tree which stands tall and strong.

May creatures teach you freedom, like the eagle which soars high and free in the sky.

May the harvest teach you to accept change as the leaves which die in the fall.

May survivors inspire fresh hope as the seed which rises in the spring.

Wishing you a happy harvest, a time of reflection, a time of mindfulness, a time of responsibility. Namaste.

The Fine Art of Surrender

The window of discernment that opens straight before making a big decision is transformative. This is where character is formed, with a heart-shaped lump in your throat, as you contemplate a leap of epic proportions. This is the school house of experience where you learn patience, urgency, courage and surrender. It is the moment after all the homework has been done, all the pro and con lists have been written, and advisers have been consulted. All that is left to do is follow that gut feeling. Jump! Do it! You know its right! But do you? What if you’re wrong?

So often at this point we doubt ourselves. We mistrust our intuition, and instead of surrendering to our destiny we close the window on possibility, draw the shades on opportunity and confine ourselves to a dark room called fear. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can relearn the art of surrender, trusting yourself but now with the added benefit of years of hard knocks in the school of life.

What can you do to train yourself to boldly leap through the window of opportunity? How can you learn to trust your instincts once again when walls turn into doors?
We’re all different when it comes to risks. I’ve always been good at rationalizing when taking risks. Before I bungied off Kawarau Bridge in Queenstown in New Zealand I calmed myself by saying, “Hundreds of people do this every day. I’ve never heard of a single accident.” This is also called blissful ignorance. Another method I use to calm fear is calm resignation. When I find myself on a particularly bumpy flight, I tell myself, “Even if we crash there’s nothing I can do about this so I might as well sit back and relax.”

On reflection, I think I am half right with my method. Your rational skills will only get you so far. Blaise Pascal said, “All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling.” Science tells us that decision making is 95% emotional and 5% rational. That doesn’t mean that surrender has to be ill-informed. You can prepare for moments of decision making by studying facts and preparing your attitude.

Surrender is like swimming in a riptide. If you tighten up and attempt to swim against the tide, you will tire and eventually drown. If you relax and go with the flow, you will survive. The first lesson of surrender is to stop fighting against the flow of life when it is clearly on a roll. It is the delicate balance between acceptance and resistance. Resignation and ignorance are too passive for healthy surrender. Add a little mindfulness and knowledge for healthy surrender.

Who are you surrendering to? By any name you are surrendering to your inner sense of wholeness, the deeper self that has intuitive wisdom and sees your potential. At the precipice of large decisions your ego wants you to play small and stay safe. Remind yourself to make decisions from your deeper sense of being part of the whole, one with life. You are part of a whole that is greater than all and yet pervasively present in each. Make decisions that honor this greater whole. It has incredible plans and you are an intimate part of her plans. Surrender the life you have planned to step into the life that is waiting for you. By leaving yourself open to the flow of an unknown future, you will discover new and unimagined possibilities.

The essence of surrender is a recognition that you can’t control everything. In fact there is very little you can control. Give up trying to control everything and you will feel a giant weight fall off your shoulders. You are dancing with the stars, flowing with the oceans and grounded in the roots of the earth. How could your future not unfold in perfect alignment with life?

Of course this is much easier said than done. But isn’t everything? If you’ve lost your job, learnt you have a serious illness or just generally feel at your wit’s end, try surrendering. Go with the flow and trust the adventure of being alive. Events may not transpire as you imagine or even hope. They could be even better. The open window beckons. Feel its gentle breeze. Take in the panoramic view. The world is calling to you, inviting your trust.

Ps, please check in at Soulseeds for awesome resources to help with surrender.

Non Judgement Day Is Here

Wayne Dyer said, “Judgment prevents us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances.” Things aren’t always as they seem. Incomplete information and assumptions often color our thoughts and conclusions. These assumptions sometimes leave us in embarrassing or even worse, dangerous, situations. Imagine the freedom of truly seeing life as it is, unfettered by assumption and judgment. I can only imagine that a lot of self inflicted suffering would end instantly.

The classical Greek philosopher Plato told a parable about a group of men confined from birth to living in a cave, bound by chains to their feet and necks so that they can only look straight ahead. Behind them a fire burns constantly, casting shadows on the wall in front of them. Their whole reality consists of the lights and shadows that pass across the cave wall. Between the men and the burning fire, performers regularly carry figurines to create the affect of a puppet show on the wall. For these men, the shadows and the occasional sound of the performers behind them is their whole reality. This is all they know. Then, Plato says, suppose that one of the men is taken out of the cave and for the first time he is exposed to direct sunlight. At first it is blinding, but after the man adapts to the sunlight, a whole new reality opens up for him. He now sees that the sun is the cause of the seasons and the passage of time and also the cause of the shadows on the wall. His eyes slowly open, first with a squint, then with peering curiosity and then with wide eyed wonder. He has seen the light. He wakes up to reality for the first time.

Would the man ever want to go back in the cave? Not after seeing what he had seen. After waking up to the radiant light, he would never want to go back into the prison of the cave. But he would, just to share the experience with his friends, “Things aren’t as they seem” he would say.”There’s so much more. All you are seeing is shadows of something better, more direct and real.” His friends would think him crazy, until they too had some exposure to the light of direct experience.

The truth had set him free, and his life would never be the same again. Do you know the experience of being set free to see reality as it is, and not as you wish it were or as others expect you to be? Today is the day. Whether you are in the closet of suppressed sexuality, or trapped in the cave of a self limiting belief or some self imposed exile, today is the day to come out and live an authentic life. It’s time to wake up to who you are and who you are destined to be in the world. It’s time to let your light out from the behind a bushel and SHINE! The shackles of closeted living may be comfortable and familiar, but you don’t want to go back in there other than to tell your friends that there’s more.

The Trail Blazers

Don’t imagine that you are alone. We stand on the shoulders of the many warriors who have gone before us, faced the truth, woken up to their brilliant light and come back to tell us the good news. We pay tribute to pioneers like Alexander the Great, Richard the Lionhearted, Francis Bacon, Walt Whitman, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Michelangelo, Oscar Wilde, Gertrude Stein, Rainer Maria Rilke, Ellen Degeneres and many other long hidden people of the rainbow who have blazed the trail of authenticity. We pay tribute to our own local hero, Oak Reed, transgendered kid from Mona Shores High School who was voted homecoming king by his peers before having the title stripped by the school’s administration. School mates started a facebook page that now has over 12,000 fans from around the world. We have come so far and we can thank these and other heroes for their courage.

Inclusive spiritual community is about so much more than welcoming gay and lesbian and transgendered people. It is about that. But it is about so much more. An inclusive spiritual community stands on the shoulders of the heroes who fought the freedom fight when it was politically and socially unpopular, and we stand in the footsteps of their courage. We learn from their authenticity and we pledge to create a world alongside them where people no longer have to hide their sexuality and suppress their love, a world where all people can choose to marry if they wish and who they wish, where people can serve openly in the military no matter what their sexuality. We work for a world where same sex couples have equal employment opportunities, full adoption rights and health benefits. We long for a world without homophobia and bullies, knowing that this will happen once each person wakes up to their own reality and stops projecting their fears on to whoever is standing out and shining a light on the bully’s insecurities.

Truth and Freedom

Many, many people around the world are waking up to the essential oneness of life, but there is more work to be done. As long as teenagers are committing suicide because they are bullied for their sexuality, there is more work to be done. There is more work to be done because each of us has more coming out to do, whether it’s around sexuality or fulfilling a deeper vision or exercising a hidden passion. The truth will set you free but it probably won’t happen all at once and it will be different for each person. It’s a process, like the gradual opening of eyes after a long sleep.

It is one of the best known phrases in the Bible, “The truth has set you free.” It’s a very profound saying and is even more meaningful when you understand that it came out of the same Greek world that brought us Plato’s cave. The classical Greek word for truth used in John’s gospel is alétheia. It’s a word that means “not hidden” or that which is beyond appearance. If there is a word in the Bible that most closely corresponds to coming out of the closet it is alétheia.

It’s a word that indicates the true nature of a thing or a person. Truth has little to do with being right and everything to do with being transparent. You know the experience. You admit to a friend that you are depressed, and even though your friend can’t heal your depression, you feel the burden lift from your shoulders. You are not alone. You have spoken the words that were destroying you inside and now they don’t have so much power. The truth of transparency has set you free. You tell your colleagues that you hold inclusive spiritual beliefs and even if they don’t agree with you, you enjoy the freedom of authenticity. And of course, you tell your friends the truth about your sexuality and even if it takes some friends a while to process the news, you are free. You have spoken your truth and your light is radiant.

The Greeks (specifically the Stoics) were fatalists which means that they believed that everything happens by necessity and life has its own course and there is little we can do about events other than look within to the way we respond to those events. In other words you may not have chosen your life situation, but you CAN choose your response. Hence your freedom. Relating this to sexuality, sexuality is something you are born with. You don’t choose it. It’s your lot in life. It has its joys and its challenges. But coming out is a choice, and staying in the closet is a choice. And what a powerful choice it is. It’s the choice of being fully yourself and expressing this freely in the world.

The truth that sets you free is the acceptance of life as it is, not as it seems to be or as you wish it were, and not as others expect it to be, but as it is. From this starting point you claim the power to respond in a healthy and authentic way.

Freedom and Hatred

Another major influence from Greek thought is the idea that divine light exists in every person, and not just in some favored people. John’s gospel describes it as a light that is born within each person. Without going into too much detail, this provides a foundation for the liberal philosophy of John Locke and others and The United States Constitution which asserts the equality of all and the right of ALL people to free speech and expression. Its part of a social contract we enter into in western democracies whereby we look to the state to protect the rights of one person or group from being denied by another person or group.

This is the basis of the right for LGBT people to come out and speak their truth, and also the right of LGBT groups to see that no one is discriminated against or bullied because of their sexuality. It also protects the rights of individuals and groups to hold conservative moral views about sexuality. So what happens when one person or group’s rights clash with another person or group’s rights?

This very question has been brought to the surface because of Fred Phelps and his funeral protests of fallen soldiers. Phelps runs a fundamentalist church in Kansas, where he teaches that military deaths and victims of natural disasters and even the Gulf oil spill are all ways that God is punishing America for its moral depravity, accepting things like homosexuality. He carries signs at funerals that say things like “God hates fags” and “Thank God for dead soldiers”. His website offers a running tally of how many people God has put in hell since you have been on the page. Is he allowed to exercise his free speech even if it disrupts the rights of another person to an honorable farewell?

Most of us would agree that it’s not okay for bullies to verbally and physically abuse people because of their sexuality. This is clearly a hate crime. So where is the line? It’s going to be an interesting test of the First Amendment as the family of a fallen soldier who had their funeral disrupted by a Phelps protest are suing Phelps.

In my opinion, the situation with Phelps shows that there need to be limitations on speech that incites hatred. He is bullying people at tragic times of grief. The state should protect families at funerals. If there are competing rights to discern, respect should take precedence over hatred.

Beyond Appearances

John’s gospel speaks about people like Fred Phelps who fail to recognize the divine light within others. Of course things aren’t always as they seem, and I would guess that people like Phelps have some unresolved inner frustration that gets played out as hatred towards others. This is also known as homophobia and it ends up with people getting hurt. We have all had experiences where we are exposed to other people’s fears and insecurities.

When we first moved to America I bought a PT Cruiser with a purple top. Once I was driving my parents to the airport in Chicago. The three of us were chatting in the car when my Dad pointed to the truck next to us and said, “Look, there’s a man blowing kisses at you.” Being new to Michigan, I first thought this was a sign of old fashioned, local hospitality. But soon I realized the kisses were poisoned with sarcasm. Everyone in the car was laughing hysterically. It took a while to work it out, but eventually realized that it must have been the PT. If you drive a purple top PT Cruiser, with your parents and a Dora the Explorer backpack on the ledge behind the back seat, you must be gay and being gay is hysterical to a man driving a truck with a bumper sticker that says, “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

Little harm was done in this case, but harm IS done by this sort of bigotry. There have been four high profile teenage suicides because of bullying just in the last month. Lives are at stake when people act like cavemen and bullies. We can do so much better.

So here’s a challenge for coming out day. Step out of the cave long enough to enjoy the warmth of direct sunlight. Come out, come out, whoever you are, wherever you are and whatever it is you are ready to come out about. Come out of the cave, and then go back in to shine some light in the darkness. You don’t have to do anything earth shattering. Your presence and inspiration will automatically liberate others to be all that they can be.

I honor the unchanging spirit in you, beyond form and shadows and circumstances, the spirit of oneness. Namaste.

Invitation To LIfe- RSVP by Being More Yourself

Harvey Milk was the first openly gay man to hold public office in a major American city. The day after his election in 1977, he said, “If I turned around every time somebody called me a faggot, I’d be walking backward – and I don’t want to walk backward.” What an inspirational thought! None of us want to walk backward, or live in the rear vision mirror, or kowtow to other peoples’ expectations and prejudice. Life is too short and the invitation to authenticity is too compelling to walk anything other than your own chosen path.

Milk had his own style and flair and refused to hide an important part of who he was. He felt that keeping his sexuality secret gave power to those people who denied others their basic human dignity and rights. He went public and urged others to go public so that they could manifest their own divine light. He was one of the great social snowballers, who by sheer determination and charisma, gathered freedom partners as he rolled from opportunity to opportunity.

Milk was shot dead by one of his colleagues, an anti-gay Catholic. The eulogy at Milk’s funeral was given by an openly gay Rabbi. He said in his eulogy that Milk came to synagogue to get votes, not to pray. Maybe getting votes was his way of praying as he was on a sacred mission, a la Moses, to liberate the LGBT community from the chains of oppression.

It’s especially tragic when homophobia comes from the religious community. Authenticity is a universal spiritual principle. To paraphrase a famous Jewish proverb, when you reach the next world, God will not ask you, “Why were you not like Moses?” Instead the question will be, “Why were you not more yourself?” Jesus described it as letting your light shine and not hiding this light under a bushel.
Milk is an inspiration to all of us, gay or straight, to live more authentically and passionately. Whether the issue is sexuality or some aspect of your personality that is suppressed or a vision that lies dormant, we all want to live liberated lives. We want to live the power of choice.

Coming out is a choice. Sexuality is not a choice in much the same way that people don’t choose hair color or height. However coming out is definitely a choice and it’s a powerful choice. Like all choices, there are risks and pitfalls. But the risk to remain hidden and suppressed is far greater. Coming out in your sexuality is part of fulfilling your true potential as a human being.

The way to be all that you can be is to be more yourself. When you are boldly and confidently yourself, you are not only happier but you shine a brighter light in the world. The world needs more people who are “out” in every way.

In the words of Marianne Williamson, “Who are you not to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. You are meant to shine, as children do. You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. It’s not just in some; it’s in everyone. And as you let your own light shine, you unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As you are liberated from your own fear, your presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles)

What new freedom is beckoning you at this time in your life? How are you letting your light shine with greater clarity and radiance? What powerful choice is presenting itself to you? What seed of possibility are you being called to cultivate, to nurture and bring to new life at this time? Come out. Come out. Whoever you are. Wherever you are. However you need to do it. You know what you need to do. The path may not be easy and it probably won’t be straight and narrow. But don’t look back and don’t walk backward. The rewards of facing your future head on and stepping into authenticity far outweigh any fear. In the words of Harvey Milk, “Hope will never be silent.”

Ps- please stop by Soulseeds to look at the Coming Out affirmations. These affirmations were written in consultation with people who have come out, and make a great gift for friends or family members who have come out.

Dancing in Relationships Between Yes and No

In the British comedy series The Vicar of Dibley, the 102 year old vicar dies in the middle of a service. They begin looking for a new vicar. They call Geraldine, one of the first women to be ordained in the Church of England and a fun loving, straight talking woman. Most of the show’s action takes place in the meetings of the parish council which is made up of a collection of oddballs. There is the farmer who always comes in to meetings late and gives way too much information about his cows’ bowel movements. Then there is Jim who has a speech impediment. He has the habit of prefacing everything he says with the stuttered “no, no, no, no, no…..” This gets him in all sorts of trouble. Jim tells the story of when he was a contestant on Deal or No Deal. He was presented with the ultimate choice and asked the question, deal or no deal? He wanted to take the deal, but stuttered “no, no, no, no, no…deal.” He lost the million dollars.

As you can imagine decision making is difficult on the parish council with Jim involved. When they call for a vote, he says, “No, no, no, no, no….yes.” Talk about waiting for the deeper yes. He does introduce the theme nicely, as there is often a “no” or even a series of “nos” that reveals a deeper “yes”. I want to explore the relationship between “no” and “yes”, and offer some ways that you can work with your “yes” and “no” for a greater purpose, especially in your relationships.

Whether it’s a romantic relationship, family, colleague or friend, we all have to say “no” from time to time. Most of us find this hard and we often end up feeling guilty. Your adult child wants to borrow money again and you say “no” because you don’t want to enable him and you want him to take responsibility. Your young child wants to stay up late and you say “no” because you want to protect her from being tired the next day. Your spouse wants to have sex and you say “no” because you have a headache. Your colleague wants you to take on some of their work and you say “no” because you are already overwhelmed.

Give yourself permission to say “no”. Reclaim the power of “no” without guilt. It’s a beautiful thing- for you, for the other person and for the relationship. It offers everyone involved the gift of self responsibility. When you have clear reasons and a clear strategy for saying “no” it becomes a very positive and empowering experience.

Knowledge Supports No

One of the tools at your disposal when it comes to saying “no” is knowledge. When you are informed about a situation, you are prepared to say “yes” or “no” or even “I don’t know” without guilt. We’ve seen a brilliant example of this during the week with the release of the Pew Study on American religious knowledge. The study showed that on the whole, America atheists know more about world religions than Christians.

More than 40% of Catholics don’t know that the bread and wine “become” Christ’s body and blood in the Eucharist. About half of all Protestants don’t know that Martin Luther was the prime move in the Protestant reformation and split from Catholicism. And 64% of Americans think that the right to bear arms is one of the Ten Commandments. Well I made that one up, but you could be forgiven for thinking it the way some Americans defend their personal liberty with religious zeal.

What is this study revealing? At least two very significant points. The first is that atheists often carefully study what they eventually reject. In other words, they gather knowledge in order to say “no” to religion. I have deep respect for anyone who says “no” after doing their homework and gathering knowledge. The deeper “yes” that many atheists are claiming is rationalism. Maybe it’s even a quality that you aspire to. As long as your clear cut “no” is not disrespectful of others, it’s a very healthy thing.

Saying “No” With Respect

We had a great learning situation in our family this past week. We were sitting around the dinner table, and our youngest disappeared for a moment, then reappeared with a piece of paper. She wrote a word on it, and said, “Why is it so bad to say this word?” It was the word “hell”. We asked her why she was asking. She explained that at school that day a friend had written the word, another kid had said that it’s wrong to write that word and then our daughter (God love her) asked why. She was told that if you say or write the word “hell” you could end up in hell. What a terrifying thing for 8 year olds to believe!

We then had an awesome conversation. We first talked about what a frightening idea hell was. Then we talked about evidence. There is no evidence for the existence of hell. Because there is no evidence for hell, then you are free to say “no” to hell. We talked about evidence and knowledge and the freedom to reject an idea and it was all very positive.

The next night, there was some follow up. Our daughter had gone to school that day and told her friends that there is no hell. Just like that. My little sweetie popped the bubble on two thousand years of mythology and social control through fear. For her this was good news and it made sense to share it evangelically. For her friends, it clashed with their family and church upbringing. So then we had another awesome conversation about how we can say “no” to hell and still respect that other people might choose to believe in hell. You can say “no” from your perspective or even “I don’t know” and still acknowledge that it’s an important “yes” for another person. You can assert your “no” without damaging the relationship.

Knowledge and Hell

What is the evidence for hell? Well no one has come back from the dead to describe it, so there is no first hand evidence. The only evidence is what is written in the Bible, and this is sketchy and ambiguous. It was centuries after Jesus that hell became institutionalized in the Christian church. Origen was one of the most significant fathers of the early Christian church. In the 3rd century he was still speaking about hell as a place where sinners could be rehabilitated. The Council of Constantinople in 543 rejected Origen’s view. From that time forward, western Christianity was divided between two perspectives; the majority who believed in hell as eternal punishment, and the minority who believed in a one-time annihilation of sinners.

Even the teaching of Jesus is ambiguous when it comes to hell. Matthew 10:28 speaks of the body and soul being destroyed in hell. The word that is used for hell is Gehenna. Gehenna was a valley on the outskirts of Jerusalem. It was notorious as a place where some had practiced child sacrifice to Molech. It was also used as a place to dump the bodies of executed criminals. Because of this dark history, it became a garbage dump. At the time of Jesus there would have been continuous fires burning to consume the city’s garbage. Dogs lurked around the fires waiting for scraps of food. When the dogs fought over the food, they would have made the sound of gnashing of teeth.

It’s possible that Jesus was referring to this location when he spoke of hell. He wanted to describe the most tortured human experience; and the image of Gehenna captured something of the terror of the experience.

It’s tragic that so many people have been held in fearful captivity to a doctrine of such dubious origins. Bolstered with this knowledge about hell, we are in a solid position to say “no” to the frightening idea of a place of eternal torment.

So maybe that’s our first clue for saying “no” without anyone losing power. Gather evidence and express yourself respectfully. This applies not just to a religious perspective that you may be rejecting, but also to relationship situations that are hellish and a clear “no” may be required.

Intuition and No

Use evidence to claim your “no”. But there are other ways of knowing, apart from rational evidence. Some things just don’t feel right in your gut. Your intuition says “no” and you need to listen to this inner wisdom just as carefully as you study facts and evidence. This is important because some people can be very smooth and charming, and it’s sometimes hard to see evidence when you are in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship but you know deep down that you have to say “no”. Follow the lead of your inner wisdom. Its resistance is telling you something, even if it’s just to slow down and ask some questions.

The same applies to your beliefs. Maybe you are agnostic about a lot of religious beliefs, based on a lack of evidence or a gut sense. Follow this sense at least long enough to ask questions and think it through.

There are so many aspects of conventional religion that I reject because of a combination of knowledge and intuition. I see no evidence for a judgmental God, but more important it doesn’t feel right to me. I see no evidence for hell, but more important it doesn’t feel right in my gut that some people would suffer eternally because they were born in a certain culture or hold certain beliefs. There is no evidence that one religion is correct and all the other religions are misguided, but more important its counter intuitive to me.

I combine the evidence with my inner guide and say “no” to hell, judgment and exclusivism.

Loyalty and No

I have spoken about the atheist saying “no” to religion, but let’s look at the other side of the Pew Study. Why are some believers so ignorant of world religions? There are lots of possible reasons for this, and one of them is that Americans are generally not knowledgeable about the rest of the world. I have lost count of the number of Americans I have met who don’t know that the seasons are opposite in the Southern Hemisphere. When you think about it, which they clearly haven’t, this displays a lack of understanding of what seasons are to begin with; the revolution of a round earth around the sun. None of these people believe in a flat earth, but for some reason haven’t followed the logical next step of their worldview.

So maybe the ignorance of world religions is part of an ignorance about the world generally, and also an ignorance about what religion is to begin with; a revolving, time bound attempt by certain cultures to make meaning out of life. Certainly not something to be dogmatic about.

My theory is that people get caught up in loyalty to religious beliefs. Loyalty to the tribe (and maybe also country) trumps both knowledge and intuition. This explains why it’s so traumatic for many people to say “no” to particular beliefs. When loyalty gets in the way of authenticity, abuse is often the result. Think about abusive relationships where people can’t say “no” because they feel obliged to the relationship. Co-dependent relationships, whether relationships with God, friend or spouse, are built around mindless loyalty rather than a deeper respect and responsibility.

Finding the Deeper Yes

Whether you are leaving a relationship, a job or a religion, it’s important to understand the deeper “yes” guiding your decision. This is all important as it guides how you will live your life. Some people say “no” to relationships, but never move past the “no” and live their life in bitterness. Some people, including some atheists, never get past their rejection of religion and live their life in negativity. Maybe rationalism is a deeper “yes”, but I want something deeper still. Don’t you? I want a deeper yes that my whole being: mind, body and spirit, sings in concert.

I want the deeper “yes” that convicted Rosa Parks to sit down at the front of the bus. Her “no” to the bus driver was coming not just from exhaustion and not just from anger, but from a deeper, intuitive sense that she is a valuable human being and worthy of respect. Her decision to listen to her deeper yes changed her life and changed the lives of millions of people ever since, including you and me.

The “yes” that you can say in relationships is an affirmation of your worth and dignity as a human being. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve beliefs that are life affirming and build confidence. You deserve the most respectful relationships and the most empowering beliefs. Accept nothing less. Say “no” to anything less.

Choosing Your Company

The choice of company is one of the most important decisions you make. Choose company that affirms your worth and dignity. Choose company that is open to questions and change. Measure everything you hear and read by evidence, by intuition and by your deeper yes. Does it resonate with your deepest vision for the world? Does it make your life more whole and healthy? Does it strengthen your relationships? If you are saying “yes” to these questions, then you know you have arrived home.

Think of your spiritual community as a place to practice being human. More than that, see your spiritual community as a place to strive to be the person you were always destined to be. Ask questions in good and safe company. Build relationships that are healthy and respectful. Practice taking responsibility and setting healthy boundaries.

How will you know if you are growing, spiritually? You will say “no” with ease and it won’t threaten your relationships. It will open up paths you have long sought to the deeper yes that lies within.

I honor the person that you are; worthy of dignity and respect. From my deeper “yes” to yours. Namaste.

Resources

U.S. Religious Knowledge Survey

The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No

Trusting the Music of your own Soul

I only cleaned the pool butt naked one time. That’s all it took to learn the lesson. I was home alone. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. All was calm and peaceful as I moved around the edge of the pool with skimming pole in hand. I was so taken with my garden paradise, lost in the tranquility of it all, that I didn’t hear the pool guy arrive. He had unexpectedly come to fix the filter. I didn’t know he was there until I turned around and we found ourselves cheek to cheek (so to speak). I carefully lowered my pole and toweled up. Paradise was lost, and there was no Eve to blame for this one.

The poor guy was professional enough to keep his gaze high and act as if this happened everyday in pools all around the neighborhood. We did share a light joke about it, laughing about the hypothetical headlines in tomorrow’s newspaper. Many people have only ever seen me in a business suit. Shorts and crocs are enough of a shock for some people - without going to naked extremes.

Do you remember seeing your school teacher for the first time out of school? It was almost unthinkable for me to come to the realization that my teacher had a life, a family of her own, went to shops, etc. It is certainly surprising for some people to see me with my family or having a drink in a bar.

We have a tendency to put people on pedestals, expecting certain people to exist on a higher plane, exuding patience and virtue. We’re often uncomfortable when people expose their limitations and insecurities.

Well, here I stand. I can do no other. This is me. I have high ideals and a large vision for the world to be a more compassionate place. My vision demands a personality and presence that is sometimes larger than I am ready to believe I can offer. But I am driven forward and demand that of myself because this is the point of my teaching. Abundance is discovered in self discovery. Fear is overcome in risk taking. I am here to teach what I am learning which will involve sharing my experience of life, even the naked truth about my own vulnerability.

I dwell in divine abundance. I believe that all people can dwell in divine abundance. I believe that deep down in places you can barely remember, you are destined to live in divine abundance. At the same time, like me, you might be a restless person who experiences self doubt and anxiety. The abundance that I speak of is not an escape from insecurity, but an acceptance that insecurity is breeding some other truth in you if you can stay awake, stay open, listen, learn, and grow.

I want to inspire deeper humanity. I want to remind you that your vulnerability is just as sacred as your perfection. As Leonard Cohen said, “Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
You don’t have to let too much light in, nor let it all in at once - especially when the pool guy stops by. Let SOME light in, trust those around you with your humanity, and be trustworthy with the humanity of others. You can offer no greater gift. As Maya Angelou said so wisely, “When you learn, teach. When you get, give.”

This is the spirit of Soulseeds affirmations. Each affirmation is written out of the pains and lessons of life. They offer a way to create meaning in the experiences of your life, to heal the cracks by shining light and love on them. They offer a way to practice being human, first in the safety of your own mind (or by reading them to your best friend, as I know one dog owner does each morning), and then in the world where it can be so hard to stay grounded. The affirmations bring you greater ease with who and where you are, while opening the door to a deeper peace.

The intention of the affirmations is, in the words of Barbra Streisand, “to discover you, what you do, and trust it.” What an awesome thought. Focus your time and energy on things that nourish your true self. Trust the music of your own soul. Celebrate the joy of being you in this moment. It’s not where you will be tomorrow, but it is perfect for today. As you find the joy of acceptance, the you that you are becoming will unfold effortlessly like a rising sun.