Finding Your Voice

The movie The King’s Speech swept the Academy Awards last weekend, winning best picture, best actor, best director and best original screenplay. It has resonated with a lot of people, myself included, and I’m not surprised as it raises one of the most basic human dilemmas- how to find your boldest, most authentic voice when you are confronted with doubt, both from the inside and outside.

The movie tells the story of King George VI who was suddenly forced into the spotlight at a time when live radio was the new mode of communication. He had debilitating doubt that manifested as a nasty stutter. He could barely utter a full sentence in front of a crowd and the stakes were high, as war loomed and the people needed his leadership. It’s an inspiring story because it is real, honest and optimistic.

The King’s Speech tapped into some of my demons and I want to share some of my story in the interests of inspiring anyone who feels any self limiting doubts, to persist, find your voice and overcome the doubt. The possibilities are so much more powerful than the doubts.

This is how it happened for me. Like King George VI my demons involved public speaking. It came to a head for me on Anzac Day in 2001. Anzac Day is an annual celebration in Australia and New Zealand, honoring those who fought in WWI. It is an occasion marked, often outdoors, by early morning memorial services. Even though I had no official role, I attended a dawn service while running a church in Auckland. It turned out I was way too relaxed this particular morning. With the event underway and no padre in sight I was spotted and handed a microphone. I was told to pronounce the official Anzac blessing in front of a crowd of 10,000 people, and broadcast live on National Radio. I stood in front of the massive crowd. It was a little like the opening scene in The King’s Speech when the future King had to speak to a massive audience at a sports stadium. I had no idea of the words to any official Anzac blessing. As I turned to ask the MC whether there was some particular words to be used he said, "Right, you're on in three seconds!"

You wouldn’t believe the anxiety of those three seconds. My mind went crazy and my heart galloped like a runaway horse, only there was no escape for me. Three seconds felt like three hours. I heard the voice of my eighth grade teacher after I gave a presentation to the class, "You can’t do this. You will never be a public speaker." It was like my life was flashing before my eyes. I thought about everything except what it was I was actually going to say.

As the numbers counted down- three, two, one ... I was on! I stood frozen in front of the microphone for a split second then opened my mouth still with no idea what to say. To this day I don't know what I would have said, because just before a sound came from my mouth, I heard the voice of the padre who had arrived and was speaking now from a microphone in a different part of the crowd. Phew! That was close. I could safely say it was the largest crowd I almost spoke in front of.

For many years I could not even imagine being a public speaker. As a 15 year old, I stuttered and spluttered my way through school presentations, kept my head down hoping no one would notice me and was generally typecast as being shy. I was told by vocation advisers that whatever I did with my life, and this would probably not be much according to them, it should NOT involve public speaking. I developed my own noisy voice of doubt that was drowning out my self belief. When public speaking became an inevitable part of my life goals, I had to overcome this voice of doubt and find my true voice. I discovered that a large vision can overcome all sorts of doubts and limitations. I now feel VERY comfortable in a public speaking role. I look forward to it. I know exactly what I want to say most of the time, and feel confident that I can say it clearly.

Teachers and parents sometimes say discouraging things that stick with you, don’t they? At least some do. I’m sure I have unintentionally slipped some self doubt into the minds of my kids. We often speak without considering that words remain lodged in young heads for years to come. Mindless comments become haunting echoes of past failures. They feed a self limiting sense of self and speak up in your mind at moments of great opportunity saying "I am not good enough. I can’t do this.” We all have these self limiting ‘I am' statements. I am a burden, I am useless, I am hopeless, I am stupid, I am weak, I am guilty etc.

Our voice of doubt gorges on these statements like a zoo animal at feeding time. It laps up these critical messages and lives down to them. 'I am not good enough' could be the anthem of the voice of doubt. It prefers that you don’t claim your voice of power because small is more manageable and inner conflict feels comfortably familiar. But you know you are destined to be more than this. This feeling of moving into my destiny is part of what allows me to transcend the self limiting voices of doubt. I have a large vision for the world to be a more abundant place, full of people who claim their own place and voice. My vision demands a personality and presence that is sometimes larger than I am ready to believe I can offer. But I am compelled forward and demand that of myself because this is what my true voice is calling for. I am here to learn what I am teaching. Abundance is discovered in self discovery. Fear is overcome in personal risk taking.

I believe that all people can transcend the self limiting voices and find the voice of abundance and power. I urge you, in the words of Barbra Streisand, “to discover you, what you do, and trust it.” What an awesome thought. Focus your time and energy on things that nourish your true self. Trust your voice. Maybe you can’t imagine transcending the voice of self judgment and doubt. Let your vision for a life of abundance drown out the voice of doubt.

My favorite scene in The King’s Speech was when the speech therapist blasted loud music through headphones while King George read from a script. While the music drowned out his active voice of doubt, he read flawlessly. Once the music stopped, his stutter resumed.

Do you have any lingering voices of doubt? What is the noise in your mind that is crowding out all the possibilities for you to live your full potential? Is it the timid voice of self doubt, the precocious voice of skepticism or the winy voice of perfectionism? Beat them at their own game. Drown out the sound of their doubt with the far louder sound of your vision.

Uncover the real blocks to your highest potential, suspend and heal the voices that limit you and set about being all that you can be. After all who are you NOT to be gorgeous, fabulous, talented and abundant in all things? Manifest your highest vision. Raise your sights, raise your optimism and raise your glass to a life of abundance. Speak your truth. Find your voice, your King or Queen's speech, your defining moment where what you care about, who you are and what the world needs coincide. You have something valuable to say and the rest of us are ready to hear it. Visualize yourself standing before a sports stadium full of people waiting for your encouragement. Picture yourself about to receive an Academy Award for Lifetime Achievement in being abundantly authentic. Step into your power, stand at the podium of life, give thanks for all who have helped bring you to this moment and give fearless voice to your truth. This is your moment. Celebrate the joy of being you. YOU ARE. I AM. It’s not where you will be tomorrow, but it is perfect for today. As you find the joy of authentic self expression, you will find your voice effortlessly like a Susan Boyle performance or a Martin Luther King speech.

Please visit Soulseeds for resources that build confidence and help you find your voice.

Emotional Intelligence, Managing Emotions

How is your relationship with your emotions? Are you in charge of your emotions, or do your emotions run your life? Would you like to feel better, more in control of the things you can control, and more at peace with the things you can’t control? The first truth of emotional health is that you feel better by becoming better at feeling. As you learn to manage your emotions, you learn the fine balance of life. The defining characteristic of your life and potential is never resources (how much money or technology you have access to or even how many opportunities you feel you have). Your life is defined by resourcefulness- the ability to turn your inner character into outer achievement.

Who’s wagging the tail? Is the tail the emotions and the body reason, or is the body the emotions and the tail reason? Is there something beyond both reason and emotion that is moving the body and wagging the tail? The ancient Greeks had a creation myth that the gods created people as heads, vessels to hold the intellect. They were then forced to create passionate bodies to move the heads around the world. They thought that a person’s life consisted of their heads channeling their emotions towards virtuous ends. Much of Christianity inherited this low view of emotions and taught that emotions are connected to our sinful nature, something to be overcome in order to claim our spiritual nature. The philosophy of morality since then has been a back and forth debate about who holds the balance of power- reason or emotion?

Is it different for men and women? I’ve heard it said that men have two emotions- forward and reverse. That’s maybe a little harsh, but it reminds me of the story about a couple who were coming home from a date. Let’s call them Bill and Jane. As they drive him in silence, Jane says, “It’s been 6 months.” A long deathly silence fills the car. Jane is uncomfortable with this silence and thinks to herself ‘maybe I’m putting too much pressure on him. Maybe he’s not ready for the commitment.

At the same time Bill is thinking, ‘6 months??? 6 months ago the car came back from the mechanic which means… wow I am way overdue for an oil change.’ He grimaces.

Jane sees his face and thinks, ‘he is upset – he’s definitely not ready for the commitment. In fact, maybe I’m not ready for the commitment either. Do I want to be married and have children so soon?’

Bill is thinking ‘I need to get them to look at the transmission again. It’s still not working right.

Jane’s thinking ‘maybe I’m just being idealistic. Am I waiting for some white knight to come riding in on a horse and I’ve got this perfectly good man sitting next to me.’ She breaks the silence.

“Bill”, Jane says. “What?” says Bill.

“I know there is no white horse.”

Bill says “okay?”

Jane says, “I just think I need more time.”

Bill thinks long and hard about this statement, suspects he has walked into a trap and after a long pause, says “I understand.”

Jane reaches over and touches him and says “Thank you. You are a wonderful and sensitive man.”

Bill is as relieved as a man could be and drives Jane back to her place. She lies on her bed and sobs all night. Bill in the meantime goes back to his apartment and opens a bag of Doritos and watches television. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that something monumental happened in the car. But he suspects that he will never make any sense of it so he decides not to try. The next day Jane calls her best girlfriend and they spend hours together going over every detail, every word, every silence, every gesture of the conversation.

Meanwhile, Bill plays racquetball with a mutual friend of his and Jane’s. As he is about to serve, he pauses, and says to the friend – “Norm, did Jane ever own a horse?”

There are some stereotypes there for sure, but whether its gender differences or personality differences, so much of our relationship conflict comes about because of miscommunication and lack of emotional awareness.

Managing Emotions

The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said, “Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

It’s a brilliant distinction. Follow through with the thought. Anybody can be inspired, that is easy, but to be inspired by the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is true mastery. Anybody can think positively, maybe ust fake it, that is easy, but to be positive at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is true mastery. Anybody can be passionate- that is easy, but to be passionate at the right time and for the right purpose, in a skillful way, that is true mastery. Anybody can get their 15 minutes of fame, that is easy, but to find fame for a true and beautiful purpose and do it with humility and grace, that is true mastery.

Who are the truly great people in the world? Is it the technical geniuses, or those who know how to use their genius for genuine generosity? Is it the ones who make the most money or the people who know how to use money to create positive change in the world? Is it the most creative inventors or the people who make things that achieve the most good in the world?

All emotion is energy in motion. It’s moving somewhere and having some effect, but always moving. If you act without mindful emotional mastery you won’t even realize the trail of cause and effect in your life. Accepting that your emotions are an important, valid, empowering part of your life is the first step. There is a world of difference between managing your emotions and suppressing or controlling your emotions. The second step is to remember that they are moving and not permanent. Emotional intelligence is the engine of a happy and productive life.

How Intelligent Are You?

How smart are you? It turns out it’s not a smart question. We all have many different lines of intelligence. Howard Gardner is a psychologist who has identified 8 lines of intelligence; linguistic (word smart), logical/ mathematical (number smart), musical (music smart), kinesthetic (body smart), spatial (picture smart), interpersonal (people smart), intrapersonal (self smart) and naturalist (nature smart). Others have added different ones such as moral intelligence and spiritual intelligence.

The point is that your success in life is dependent on developing various lines of intelligence and playing to your strength. They can all be developed, at different times and in different ways. This has huge implications for the way we appreciate diversity, and the diverse ways we educate. Do we value the full range of human intelligence? My focus here is on emotional intelligence, which is a combination of the interpersonal, how well we tune in to other people’s feelings, and intrapersonal, how well we manage our own emotions.

Interestingly Gardner was born in Scranton Pennsylvania. Do you know who else lives in Scranton Pennsylvania? Michael Scott and his colleagues in the hit TV show “The Office”. Michael Scott is presented in “The Office” as strangely brilliant at sales, but hopelessly inept in emotional intelligence. He has such a deep need to be loved and is completely oblivious to the needs and feelings of others. For example when he runs down one of his colleagues in the parking lot, he desperately needs her to forgive him in front of the rest of his colleagues so he climbs on top of her to hug her while she is in a hospital bed in traction..

There are far more extreme examples of people who have incredible cognitive or technical intelligence, but lack the emotional intelligence to know how to use their genius. Hitler is the classic example with his brilliant Nazi doctors. They lacked empathy and personal connection to those who suffered from their brilliance. In short their cognitive intelligence had run way ahead of their emotional intelligence.

“The Office” is fun and Nazism is extreme. Another television show makes a more down to earth point about emotional intelligence is the reality show “Undercover Boss.” The concept is that a CEO goes undercover and works in the trenches. They usually grow to appreciate their workers, empathize with their situation and make positive changes to their management and work conditions. One example was Mike White, CEO of DirecTV. After spending a week on roofs installing satellite dishes, he gained a new appreciation for the delicate and dangerous operation that is the lifeblood of his business. He said this, “In this economy, empathy is very important to motivate a team, and you can’t have empathy if you haven’t walked in their shoes for a bit.”

You remember the saying- before you criticize someone you need to walk a mile in their shoes. That way when they get angry at you, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

“Undercover Boss” is a great example of emotional intelligence. Empathy is one of the tools in tuning in to the feelings of others. There are others, such as the ability to recognize and manage your own emotions, the ability to connect with others using non verbal communication, the ability to manage stress, the ability to reframe thoughts and situations and the ability to resolve conflict.

Lets take the journey into emotions a little deeper.

You Have Emotions, Your Emotions Don’t Have You

This is a great daily mantra- I have emotions. My emotions don’t have me. I have emotions, but I am so much more than my emotions. I manage my emotions. My emotions don’t manage me.

I learnt this lesson with my iPod a while back. It’s a pocket sized miracle, where I get to literally wear my emotions on my sleeve. I strap it on my arm. It carries a bunch of music, and it also carries a bunch of me in it. I made some playlists, but when you hear what happened to me you will wonder if the playlists are playing me. I have a workout play list with some heavy rock and good beat. The first time I worked out with my iPod, I was lifting heavier weights, doing more repetitions and feeling stronger after the workout than ever before. The difference was amazing. I call this play list “Testosterian.” Then there’s my meditation play list. It has Sheila Chandra, some Gregorian Chants, and various other sounds on it. It takes me into a deep peace and I like to listen to this at the end of the day. I call this play list “Euphorian.” I’ve also got a compassion play list. It has the blues, and other tear jerking music on it. I listen to it when I feel weary or overwhelmed. I call this play list “Melancholian.”

Me, myself and iPod. It was certainly kind of Apple to include the “I” in iPod for Ian. It was an unnecessary gesture, but much appreciated. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I discovered the shuffle command. Merging all my different play lists creates a smorgasbord of musical surprises and as I discovered a little identity confusion.

One day my various play lists had their own battle of emotions. I was on an airplane and hit the shuffle key. First, one of my testosterian songs played. I didn’t know what to do with all the energy. I started edging my arm across the armrest. No one messes with testosterian. Then just as suddenly, that song ended and James Blunt began. My arms melted to my sides and I began quietly weeping in my seat. “Goodbye my lover!” Melancholian took over. Before I could wipe the tears from my face, Sheila Chandra started crooning in my ear and I could have sworn I had died and gone to bliss heaven. Euphorian took over.

This little game of musical emotions went on for a while before I even realized how insane I had become.
I had so locked into each emotion that I had forgotten how brief and changing they are. There is nothing wrong with emotions, any of them, nor with their crazy play lists. Emotions are important and it’s healthy to let them play their respective songs. Just remember who’s in charge Remember who has their finger on the shuffle, pause and play buttons. Luckily no one was hurt on my little flight with Air Ian. But the truth is that people do get hurt when you let your emotions mindlessly rule your life. The need to defend and accommodate, justify and perpetuate certain emotions, especially the stubborn, disempowering emotions becomes a life and death struggle, and is behind so much relationship conflict, and personal despair. I’ve had enough turbulence from this little flight of mindless passion. When my emotions slip into auto pilot, I’m not reaching the heights I could as a human being. Now I always try to fly United.

United! That’s one of the ways to manage your emotions. They all have something to tell you, but none of them tell you everything. They all bring messages of growth to you, but you decide which ones get prominence at a given time, why and to what end.

I Have Emotions, My Emotions Don’t Define Me, I Am Master of My Emotions

You have emotions, and they ARE important. Your emotions need to be acknowledged, or else they will be like a two year old tantrum just below the surface. Maybe no one will see it, but it will mess with you and prevent you from being all you can be. There is a scene in the movie “Anger Management”. Jack Nicholson is the oddball psychologist (Dr Rydell) working with the passive aggressive Adam Sandler (Dave Buznik). He’s trying to help Sandler manage his emotions and explains that there are two kinds of angry people- explosive and implosive.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Explosive is the type of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and then finally shoots everyone in the store. You’re the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I’m the guy in the frozen food section diallin’ 911. I swear.

Emotional intelligence is the growing ability to manage your emotions, and express them in effective ways. With more and more mindfulness, you become the master of your own domain. Who is this master? What part of you is really running the show? Is it your IQ (Intelligence Quotient), your EQ (Emotional Intelligence) or your SQ (Spiritual Intelligence)?

IQ is understanding facts. EQ is understanding the feelings behind facts. IQ is head smart. EQ is heart smart. SQ is street smart. It is the wisdom that comes from years of experience in the school of life, to know what is important, when and why. It has its own way of knowing that combines all the other intelligences and brings together the most powerful and appropriate team for each occasion. The most powerful thing about SQ is that it hears all the voices, but doesn’t over attach to any of them.

In another scene in “Anger Management”, Jack Nicholson is trying to make this very point to Sandler in an anger management class. He asks the question, “Who are you?” Sandler describes his occupation. Nicholson says, “I didn’t ask you what you do for a living. I asked you who you are.” Then Sandler says he is easy going, and Nicholson says, “I didn’t ask you to describe your personality. I asked you who you are.” Sandler finally breaks down and his anger comes out, “what do you want to know?” He lacks emotional intelligence because he doesn’t truly know who he is.

High Functioning Life

Let’s bring all of this together. We all want to be better people and achieve our full potential in the world. The combination of cognitive, emotional and spiritual intelligence will put you in a great position. Once you know facts, and grow to understand your emotions, seek the self mastery of knowing who you are and what makes you tick. Resources are not the issue. Resourcefulness is the issue. You have all that you need.

You have the ability to give yourself space and time, to slow your mind so that you can tune in to your feelings. And you have the ability to take a wider perspective and see your life circumstance or emotions as if from outside of yourself, with height and depth.

As a species, we have mastered outer space but for every new planet we discover, we need to master the inner space of self awareness. This will tell us why it’s important to discover outer space and what we want to achieve. We have found new and exciting ways to manipulate markets, expand technology and leverage growth. Now we need to master the equally exciting world of inner growth; managing emotions, expanding resourcefulness and leveraging character for the good of the whole planet.

What do you do with those stubborn and disempowering emotions? If you have lingering feelings of depression, try to reframe your thoughts into experiences of growth and strength. If you have lingering feelings of fear, try to challenge your imagination. If you feel stuck, reclaim your responsibility, your ability to respond.

Today I will be the master of my emotions and the commander of my life and allow others the freedom to do the same. Namaste.