Finding Your Voice

The movie The King’s Speech swept the Academy Awards last weekend, winning best picture, best actor, best director and best original screenplay. It has resonated with a lot of people, myself included, and I’m not surprised as it raises one of the most basic human dilemmas- how to find your boldest, most authentic voice when you are confronted with doubt, both from the inside and outside.

The movie tells the story of King George VI who was suddenly forced into the spotlight at a time when live radio was the new mode of communication. He had debilitating doubt that manifested as a nasty stutter. He could barely utter a full sentence in front of a crowd and the stakes were high, as war loomed and the people needed his leadership. It’s an inspiring story because it is real, honest and optimistic.

The King’s Speech tapped into some of my demons and I want to share some of my story in the interests of inspiring anyone who feels any self limiting doubts, to persist, find your voice and overcome the doubt. The possibilities are so much more powerful than the doubts.

This is how it happened for me. Like King George VI my demons involved public speaking. It came to a head for me on Anzac Day in 2001. Anzac Day is an annual celebration in Australia and New Zealand, honoring those who fought in WWI. It is an occasion marked, often outdoors, by early morning memorial services. Even though I had no official role, I attended a dawn service while running a church in Auckland. It turned out I was way too relaxed this particular morning. With the event underway and no padre in sight I was spotted and handed a microphone. I was told to pronounce the official Anzac blessing in front of a crowd of 10,000 people, and broadcast live on National Radio. I stood in front of the massive crowd. It was a little like the opening scene in The King’s Speech when the future King had to speak to a massive audience at a sports stadium. I had no idea of the words to any official Anzac blessing. As I turned to ask the MC whether there was some particular words to be used he said, "Right, you're on in three seconds!"

You wouldn’t believe the anxiety of those three seconds. My mind went crazy and my heart galloped like a runaway horse, only there was no escape for me. Three seconds felt like three hours. I heard the voice of my eighth grade teacher after I gave a presentation to the class, "You can’t do this. You will never be a public speaker." It was like my life was flashing before my eyes. I thought about everything except what it was I was actually going to say.

As the numbers counted down- three, two, one ... I was on! I stood frozen in front of the microphone for a split second then opened my mouth still with no idea what to say. To this day I don't know what I would have said, because just before a sound came from my mouth, I heard the voice of the padre who had arrived and was speaking now from a microphone in a different part of the crowd. Phew! That was close. I could safely say it was the largest crowd I almost spoke in front of.

For many years I could not even imagine being a public speaker. As a 15 year old, I stuttered and spluttered my way through school presentations, kept my head down hoping no one would notice me and was generally typecast as being shy. I was told by vocation advisers that whatever I did with my life, and this would probably not be much according to them, it should NOT involve public speaking. I developed my own noisy voice of doubt that was drowning out my self belief. When public speaking became an inevitable part of my life goals, I had to overcome this voice of doubt and find my true voice. I discovered that a large vision can overcome all sorts of doubts and limitations. I now feel VERY comfortable in a public speaking role. I look forward to it. I know exactly what I want to say most of the time, and feel confident that I can say it clearly.

Teachers and parents sometimes say discouraging things that stick with you, don’t they? At least some do. I’m sure I have unintentionally slipped some self doubt into the minds of my kids. We often speak without considering that words remain lodged in young heads for years to come. Mindless comments become haunting echoes of past failures. They feed a self limiting sense of self and speak up in your mind at moments of great opportunity saying "I am not good enough. I can’t do this.” We all have these self limiting ‘I am' statements. I am a burden, I am useless, I am hopeless, I am stupid, I am weak, I am guilty etc.

Our voice of doubt gorges on these statements like a zoo animal at feeding time. It laps up these critical messages and lives down to them. 'I am not good enough' could be the anthem of the voice of doubt. It prefers that you don’t claim your voice of power because small is more manageable and inner conflict feels comfortably familiar. But you know you are destined to be more than this. This feeling of moving into my destiny is part of what allows me to transcend the self limiting voices of doubt. I have a large vision for the world to be a more abundant place, full of people who claim their own place and voice. My vision demands a personality and presence that is sometimes larger than I am ready to believe I can offer. But I am compelled forward and demand that of myself because this is what my true voice is calling for. I am here to learn what I am teaching. Abundance is discovered in self discovery. Fear is overcome in personal risk taking.

I believe that all people can transcend the self limiting voices and find the voice of abundance and power. I urge you, in the words of Barbra Streisand, “to discover you, what you do, and trust it.” What an awesome thought. Focus your time and energy on things that nourish your true self. Trust your voice. Maybe you can’t imagine transcending the voice of self judgment and doubt. Let your vision for a life of abundance drown out the voice of doubt.

My favorite scene in The King’s Speech was when the speech therapist blasted loud music through headphones while King George read from a script. While the music drowned out his active voice of doubt, he read flawlessly. Once the music stopped, his stutter resumed.

Do you have any lingering voices of doubt? What is the noise in your mind that is crowding out all the possibilities for you to live your full potential? Is it the timid voice of self doubt, the precocious voice of skepticism or the winy voice of perfectionism? Beat them at their own game. Drown out the sound of their doubt with the far louder sound of your vision.

Uncover the real blocks to your highest potential, suspend and heal the voices that limit you and set about being all that you can be. After all who are you NOT to be gorgeous, fabulous, talented and abundant in all things? Manifest your highest vision. Raise your sights, raise your optimism and raise your glass to a life of abundance. Speak your truth. Find your voice, your King or Queen's speech, your defining moment where what you care about, who you are and what the world needs coincide. You have something valuable to say and the rest of us are ready to hear it. Visualize yourself standing before a sports stadium full of people waiting for your encouragement. Picture yourself about to receive an Academy Award for Lifetime Achievement in being abundantly authentic. Step into your power, stand at the podium of life, give thanks for all who have helped bring you to this moment and give fearless voice to your truth. This is your moment. Celebrate the joy of being you. YOU ARE. I AM. It’s not where you will be tomorrow, but it is perfect for today. As you find the joy of authentic self expression, you will find your voice effortlessly like a Susan Boyle performance or a Martin Luther King speech.

Please visit Soulseeds for resources that build confidence and help you find your voice.

Emotional Intelligence, Managing Emotions

How is your relationship with your emotions? Are you in charge of your emotions, or do your emotions run your life? Would you like to feel better, more in control of the things you can control, and more at peace with the things you can’t control? The first truth of emotional health is that you feel better by becoming better at feeling. As you learn to manage your emotions, you learn the fine balance of life. The defining characteristic of your life and potential is never resources (how much money or technology you have access to or even how many opportunities you feel you have). Your life is defined by resourcefulness- the ability to turn your inner character into outer achievement.

Who’s wagging the tail? Is the tail the emotions and the body reason, or is the body the emotions and the tail reason? Is there something beyond both reason and emotion that is moving the body and wagging the tail? The ancient Greeks had a creation myth that the gods created people as heads, vessels to hold the intellect. They were then forced to create passionate bodies to move the heads around the world. They thought that a person’s life consisted of their heads channeling their emotions towards virtuous ends. Much of Christianity inherited this low view of emotions and taught that emotions are connected to our sinful nature, something to be overcome in order to claim our spiritual nature. The philosophy of morality since then has been a back and forth debate about who holds the balance of power- reason or emotion?

Is it different for men and women? I’ve heard it said that men have two emotions- forward and reverse. That’s maybe a little harsh, but it reminds me of the story about a couple who were coming home from a date. Let’s call them Bill and Jane. As they drive him in silence, Jane says, “It’s been 6 months.” A long deathly silence fills the car. Jane is uncomfortable with this silence and thinks to herself ‘maybe I’m putting too much pressure on him. Maybe he’s not ready for the commitment.

At the same time Bill is thinking, ‘6 months??? 6 months ago the car came back from the mechanic which means… wow I am way overdue for an oil change.’ He grimaces.

Jane sees his face and thinks, ‘he is upset – he’s definitely not ready for the commitment. In fact, maybe I’m not ready for the commitment either. Do I want to be married and have children so soon?’

Bill is thinking ‘I need to get them to look at the transmission again. It’s still not working right.

Jane’s thinking ‘maybe I’m just being idealistic. Am I waiting for some white knight to come riding in on a horse and I’ve got this perfectly good man sitting next to me.’ She breaks the silence.

“Bill”, Jane says. “What?” says Bill.

“I know there is no white horse.”

Bill says “okay?”

Jane says, “I just think I need more time.”

Bill thinks long and hard about this statement, suspects he has walked into a trap and after a long pause, says “I understand.”

Jane reaches over and touches him and says “Thank you. You are a wonderful and sensitive man.”

Bill is as relieved as a man could be and drives Jane back to her place. She lies on her bed and sobs all night. Bill in the meantime goes back to his apartment and opens a bag of Doritos and watches television. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that something monumental happened in the car. But he suspects that he will never make any sense of it so he decides not to try. The next day Jane calls her best girlfriend and they spend hours together going over every detail, every word, every silence, every gesture of the conversation.

Meanwhile, Bill plays racquetball with a mutual friend of his and Jane’s. As he is about to serve, he pauses, and says to the friend – “Norm, did Jane ever own a horse?”

There are some stereotypes there for sure, but whether its gender differences or personality differences, so much of our relationship conflict comes about because of miscommunication and lack of emotional awareness.

Managing Emotions

The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle said, “Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

It’s a brilliant distinction. Follow through with the thought. Anybody can be inspired, that is easy, but to be inspired by the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is true mastery. Anybody can think positively, maybe ust fake it, that is easy, but to be positive at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is true mastery. Anybody can be passionate- that is easy, but to be passionate at the right time and for the right purpose, in a skillful way, that is true mastery. Anybody can get their 15 minutes of fame, that is easy, but to find fame for a true and beautiful purpose and do it with humility and grace, that is true mastery.

Who are the truly great people in the world? Is it the technical geniuses, or those who know how to use their genius for genuine generosity? Is it the ones who make the most money or the people who know how to use money to create positive change in the world? Is it the most creative inventors or the people who make things that achieve the most good in the world?

All emotion is energy in motion. It’s moving somewhere and having some effect, but always moving. If you act without mindful emotional mastery you won’t even realize the trail of cause and effect in your life. Accepting that your emotions are an important, valid, empowering part of your life is the first step. There is a world of difference between managing your emotions and suppressing or controlling your emotions. The second step is to remember that they are moving and not permanent. Emotional intelligence is the engine of a happy and productive life.

How Intelligent Are You?

How smart are you? It turns out it’s not a smart question. We all have many different lines of intelligence. Howard Gardner is a psychologist who has identified 8 lines of intelligence; linguistic (word smart), logical/ mathematical (number smart), musical (music smart), kinesthetic (body smart), spatial (picture smart), interpersonal (people smart), intrapersonal (self smart) and naturalist (nature smart). Others have added different ones such as moral intelligence and spiritual intelligence.

The point is that your success in life is dependent on developing various lines of intelligence and playing to your strength. They can all be developed, at different times and in different ways. This has huge implications for the way we appreciate diversity, and the diverse ways we educate. Do we value the full range of human intelligence? My focus here is on emotional intelligence, which is a combination of the interpersonal, how well we tune in to other people’s feelings, and intrapersonal, how well we manage our own emotions.

Interestingly Gardner was born in Scranton Pennsylvania. Do you know who else lives in Scranton Pennsylvania? Michael Scott and his colleagues in the hit TV show “The Office”. Michael Scott is presented in “The Office” as strangely brilliant at sales, but hopelessly inept in emotional intelligence. He has such a deep need to be loved and is completely oblivious to the needs and feelings of others. For example when he runs down one of his colleagues in the parking lot, he desperately needs her to forgive him in front of the rest of his colleagues so he climbs on top of her to hug her while she is in a hospital bed in traction..

There are far more extreme examples of people who have incredible cognitive or technical intelligence, but lack the emotional intelligence to know how to use their genius. Hitler is the classic example with his brilliant Nazi doctors. They lacked empathy and personal connection to those who suffered from their brilliance. In short their cognitive intelligence had run way ahead of their emotional intelligence.

“The Office” is fun and Nazism is extreme. Another television show makes a more down to earth point about emotional intelligence is the reality show “Undercover Boss.” The concept is that a CEO goes undercover and works in the trenches. They usually grow to appreciate their workers, empathize with their situation and make positive changes to their management and work conditions. One example was Mike White, CEO of DirecTV. After spending a week on roofs installing satellite dishes, he gained a new appreciation for the delicate and dangerous operation that is the lifeblood of his business. He said this, “In this economy, empathy is very important to motivate a team, and you can’t have empathy if you haven’t walked in their shoes for a bit.”

You remember the saying- before you criticize someone you need to walk a mile in their shoes. That way when they get angry at you, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

“Undercover Boss” is a great example of emotional intelligence. Empathy is one of the tools in tuning in to the feelings of others. There are others, such as the ability to recognize and manage your own emotions, the ability to connect with others using non verbal communication, the ability to manage stress, the ability to reframe thoughts and situations and the ability to resolve conflict.

Lets take the journey into emotions a little deeper.

You Have Emotions, Your Emotions Don’t Have You

This is a great daily mantra- I have emotions. My emotions don’t have me. I have emotions, but I am so much more than my emotions. I manage my emotions. My emotions don’t manage me.

I learnt this lesson with my iPod a while back. It’s a pocket sized miracle, where I get to literally wear my emotions on my sleeve. I strap it on my arm. It carries a bunch of music, and it also carries a bunch of me in it. I made some playlists, but when you hear what happened to me you will wonder if the playlists are playing me. I have a workout play list with some heavy rock and good beat. The first time I worked out with my iPod, I was lifting heavier weights, doing more repetitions and feeling stronger after the workout than ever before. The difference was amazing. I call this play list “Testosterian.” Then there’s my meditation play list. It has Sheila Chandra, some Gregorian Chants, and various other sounds on it. It takes me into a deep peace and I like to listen to this at the end of the day. I call this play list “Euphorian.” I’ve also got a compassion play list. It has the blues, and other tear jerking music on it. I listen to it when I feel weary or overwhelmed. I call this play list “Melancholian.”

Me, myself and iPod. It was certainly kind of Apple to include the “I” in iPod for Ian. It was an unnecessary gesture, but much appreciated. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I discovered the shuffle command. Merging all my different play lists creates a smorgasbord of musical surprises and as I discovered a little identity confusion.

One day my various play lists had their own battle of emotions. I was on an airplane and hit the shuffle key. First, one of my testosterian songs played. I didn’t know what to do with all the energy. I started edging my arm across the armrest. No one messes with testosterian. Then just as suddenly, that song ended and James Blunt began. My arms melted to my sides and I began quietly weeping in my seat. “Goodbye my lover!” Melancholian took over. Before I could wipe the tears from my face, Sheila Chandra started crooning in my ear and I could have sworn I had died and gone to bliss heaven. Euphorian took over.

This little game of musical emotions went on for a while before I even realized how insane I had become.
I had so locked into each emotion that I had forgotten how brief and changing they are. There is nothing wrong with emotions, any of them, nor with their crazy play lists. Emotions are important and it’s healthy to let them play their respective songs. Just remember who’s in charge Remember who has their finger on the shuffle, pause and play buttons. Luckily no one was hurt on my little flight with Air Ian. But the truth is that people do get hurt when you let your emotions mindlessly rule your life. The need to defend and accommodate, justify and perpetuate certain emotions, especially the stubborn, disempowering emotions becomes a life and death struggle, and is behind so much relationship conflict, and personal despair. I’ve had enough turbulence from this little flight of mindless passion. When my emotions slip into auto pilot, I’m not reaching the heights I could as a human being. Now I always try to fly United.

United! That’s one of the ways to manage your emotions. They all have something to tell you, but none of them tell you everything. They all bring messages of growth to you, but you decide which ones get prominence at a given time, why and to what end.

I Have Emotions, My Emotions Don’t Define Me, I Am Master of My Emotions

You have emotions, and they ARE important. Your emotions need to be acknowledged, or else they will be like a two year old tantrum just below the surface. Maybe no one will see it, but it will mess with you and prevent you from being all you can be. There is a scene in the movie “Anger Management”. Jack Nicholson is the oddball psychologist (Dr Rydell) working with the passive aggressive Adam Sandler (Dave Buznik). He’s trying to help Sandler manage his emotions and explains that there are two kinds of angry people- explosive and implosive.

Dr. Buddy Rydell: Explosive is the type of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking his coupon. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and then finally shoots everyone in the store. You’re the cashier.
Dave Buznik: No, no, no. I’m the guy in the frozen food section diallin’ 911. I swear.

Emotional intelligence is the growing ability to manage your emotions, and express them in effective ways. With more and more mindfulness, you become the master of your own domain. Who is this master? What part of you is really running the show? Is it your IQ (Intelligence Quotient), your EQ (Emotional Intelligence) or your SQ (Spiritual Intelligence)?

IQ is understanding facts. EQ is understanding the feelings behind facts. IQ is head smart. EQ is heart smart. SQ is street smart. It is the wisdom that comes from years of experience in the school of life, to know what is important, when and why. It has its own way of knowing that combines all the other intelligences and brings together the most powerful and appropriate team for each occasion. The most powerful thing about SQ is that it hears all the voices, but doesn’t over attach to any of them.

In another scene in “Anger Management”, Jack Nicholson is trying to make this very point to Sandler in an anger management class. He asks the question, “Who are you?” Sandler describes his occupation. Nicholson says, “I didn’t ask you what you do for a living. I asked you who you are.” Then Sandler says he is easy going, and Nicholson says, “I didn’t ask you to describe your personality. I asked you who you are.” Sandler finally breaks down and his anger comes out, “what do you want to know?” He lacks emotional intelligence because he doesn’t truly know who he is.

High Functioning Life

Let’s bring all of this together. We all want to be better people and achieve our full potential in the world. The combination of cognitive, emotional and spiritual intelligence will put you in a great position. Once you know facts, and grow to understand your emotions, seek the self mastery of knowing who you are and what makes you tick. Resources are not the issue. Resourcefulness is the issue. You have all that you need.

You have the ability to give yourself space and time, to slow your mind so that you can tune in to your feelings. And you have the ability to take a wider perspective and see your life circumstance or emotions as if from outside of yourself, with height and depth.

As a species, we have mastered outer space but for every new planet we discover, we need to master the inner space of self awareness. This will tell us why it’s important to discover outer space and what we want to achieve. We have found new and exciting ways to manipulate markets, expand technology and leverage growth. Now we need to master the equally exciting world of inner growth; managing emotions, expanding resourcefulness and leveraging character for the good of the whole planet.

What do you do with those stubborn and disempowering emotions? If you have lingering feelings of depression, try to reframe your thoughts into experiences of growth and strength. If you have lingering feelings of fear, try to challenge your imagination. If you feel stuck, reclaim your responsibility, your ability to respond.

Today I will be the master of my emotions and the commander of my life and allow others the freedom to do the same. Namaste.

Love By Numbers

The most common metaphor for unity is oneness. We talk about being one with God, one with the world, one with yourself, one with your lover, one with nature, one with reality or if you are buying a hot dog one with the lot. And don’t expect any change, because that of course comes from within.

Oneness is a beautiful metaphor for unity. The ancient Hindu scriptures, The Upanishads, tell a story that describes the metaphor of oneness.

The sage Uddalaka teaches his son about Brahman (God):
Father- Put some salt in this water and bring it to me in the morning.
[The son stirs salt into the water. The next morning, he brings the water to Uddalaka.]
Father- Fetch me the salt that you put there yesterday.
Son- I cannot, father. It is dissolved.
Father- Then take a sip from the edge of it. What is there?
Son- Salt.
Father- Take a sip from the middle. What is there?
Son- Salt.
Father- Take a sip from the far edge. What is there?
Son- Salt. It is always the same.
Father- That which you cannot grasp, but can taste in every drop, That is the Real. That is atman (the spirit). That art thou, my son. Upanishad 6.12-13

In other word the foundation for unity is that everything is connected when you strip it back to its essence. Any feeling you have that you are separate; separate from other people, disconnected from parts of yourself, apart from reality in any way, is an illusion. You have simply built barriers to the true experience of unity, and as you strip away these barriers you return to the true nature of the way things are. This is what reality tastes like before you add the seasoning of years of drama and self protection.

With unity as a foundation, we can cross the boundaries that separate us as couples, as communities, as religions, as species etc. Two people who are very different, or who are struggling with a very complex conflict, can agree to disagree because there is something more basic in common. This might be called love or peace or unity in diversity.

This is where the numbers get interesting. Oneness is one half of the equation. It’s wholly true, but still only one side of the coin called unity. The other half is diversity which is the basis for each part of the whole remaining distinct and unique. Salt is still salt, even if it is indistinguishable from the water. This is one of the amazing miracles of nature that I learnt again while doing a science experiment with my 8 year old. Salt in water does NOT create a chemical reaction that creates a new substance. Salt in water retains its saltiness, that is sodium and chloride. In water the sodium and chloride are pulled apart by the water. But if you remove the water, the sodium and chloride reunite like long lost lovers.

This is the point- salt water is all three things; salt, water AND salt water. You are a distinct and unique person AND you are part of many relationships, communities, genders, etc AND you are part of the sum total of all things, all at the same time. This is an important truth. You don’t leave yourself behind by joining with another. You just create an amazing triangle. And I don’t mean the triangle that Bohemians who live in village squares create. I mean the triangle (or trinity) of you, your relationship and the sum total of the relationship with is greater than each but still profoundly present in each.

It’s all in the numbers. It’s the sacred geometry of trust, the fractals of forgiveness, the golden ratio of love, the physics of unity. We aim for whole numbers as best we can, but because we are frail humans with egos and insecurities, we accept fractions. It’s like it says in the book “I Love Fractions" by Lois T. Denominator.

It’s great to aim for oneness, but if you can’t quite get there then settle for fractions and let that be a spring board for progress. If you can’t quite forgive your enemies and become one with them, become half with them. If you can’t even get close to being one with Hitler or Mubarak or whoever it is, become a quarter with them or whatever you can do at the time. Most importantly if you can’t fully accept and become one with yourself, then accept part of yourself. Let that partial acceptance blossom into ever increasing joy.

Learn to love the fractions, and wholeness will come a whole lot closer. If you can’t forgive all your enemies, forgive some of them. If you can’t forgive all of your faults, forgive some of them. If you can’t trust your partner all of the way, then forgive your partner with small things and let trust grow. Trust, empathy, forgiveness, understanding, even love itself, are all a process and a journey. Don’t let the metaphor of oneness become a cause for guilt and disappointment. Break oneness down into manageable parts and create a Fibonacci sequence of love and acceptance that will have mathematicians scrambling for their calculators. It’s all unfolding in perfect patterns of mysterious and deliciously unpredictable order. For in the end love has no formula. As the Bengali poet Rabindranath Tagore said, “I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times, in life after life, in age after age forever.”

Please visit Soulseeds for more articles on inclusive spirituality.

Love Is Where You Live It

The story appeared on the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle several years ago. A female humpback whale had become entangled in a maze of crab traps and lines, including a line tugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted the distressed whale just near the Golden Gate Bridge and radioed for help. A team of divers worked for hours to untangle the whale. When she was finally free, the divers described the incredible experience of what happened next. First she swam in what seemed like joyful circles, performing her own gratitude dance. Then she swam up to each diver individually and nudged them as if she was thanking them one by one. The diver who cut the line from her mouth said that he would never be the same after the whale’s eyes followed him the whole time he was working. It’s a beautiful story about love and gratitude and what is possible when love is set free.

The Sufi mystic Rumi said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Like the whale, we often get tangled; tangled in our own walls of protection and tangled in the crossed lines of other people’s expectations and insecurities. The only people who get anywhere near us are those who can scale 30 foot walls of protection like paratroopers. Just when they get to the top of one wall, they look over and see another wall. We build new walls just as fast as people find ways to penetrate them.

There are many barriers to love. What are some of these defensive walls? Aside from the 30 foot high wall of self protection, there is the picket fence with neatly manicured hedges that keep out anyone who isn’t perfect. It’s easy to forget that there is no perfect partner, just a perfect connection between two people who are forgiving and accepting. Maybe you have built an inner picket fence that is the veneer of your impossible standards towards yourself. Maybe you’re expecting to be the perfect partner instead of just being who and where you are right now. Maybe you don’t think you are worthy of love. Maybe you’ve tried and feel jaded. Then there is the fence of humor that makes light of any personal inquiry or tells a joke to deflect an intimate connection. Or else maybe you have built a façade of lies, a web of deceit that you’re not even conscious of, that has become a barrier to love in your life. These are some of the many barriers we have built that prevent an authentic experience of love. What is the underlying reason for our defensiveness?

Jesuit Priest Anthony de Mello described a brief teaching conversation. The student asked the teacher, “What is love?”

The teacher replied, “The total absence of fear.”

The student said, “What is it we fear?”

The teacher said, “Love!”

It’s a vicious cycle of fear and protection. Stop the cycle today. Remove the barriers to love one at a time and enjoy the bliss; not just romantic love, but also platonic love for friends, the love of parents and grandparents, love that includes other species, love that includes yourself. Despite the many years of teaching that many of us have endured, love is not something that comes down from above or outside of ourselves. Love is something that is discovered from the inside out. You don’t even find love. Love finds you when you remove all the barriers within yourself and allow love to flow.

Once you remove the barriers to love and stand before your bare, naked nature, you will see that love is all there is. It is who you are, who you always were and what you do best. As it says in A Course In Miracles, “Love is within us. It cannot be destroyed, but can only be hidden. The world we knew as children is still buried within our minds.”

The crazy thing is that it actually takes more effort to resist love than it does to surrender to love. Building walls is exhausting. Give yourself a break. Stop resisting and surrender to love’s lead. If you’ve been hurt, betrayed, exhausted and misunderstood, love your humanity and persistence and let it grow from there. Love is your nature.

Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process he was stung. He went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell in. The monk saved the scorpion and was again stung.

The other monk asked him, “Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know its nature is to sting?”

“Because,” the monk replied, “it is my nature to love.”

You know that you will be hurt again. Life stings. That’s the nature of life when we bump up against each other’s walls. Keep loving anyway, because it’s your nature to love. In any case, being trapped inside your fortress of self protection will quickly suffocate you in a cocoon of isolation.

Breaking the Language Barrier

Love is there waiting to be found and expressed, once you remove some of the barriers. One of the barriers to the expression of love is the language of love. Douglas Adams created the mythical Babel fish in the movie and novel Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It’s a small, yellow, leech like creature that feeds on brainwave energy. It is able to feed this energy to others who place the fish in their ear. Anyone with the Babel fish in their ear can instantly understand anything said, no matter what the language or even which planet the person is from.

The miracle of love is that even though we are all so different, we are still able to receive a message that tunes into the love that resides within. But the Babel fish is not all healthy, like the tower from which it gets its name. Do you remember the ancient Hebrew story about the Tower of Babel? In ancient days, all people spoke the same language. You would think that would make it easier for love to be given and received. But it didn’t. People used the uniformity to try and build a massive empire of control, even trying to reach the heavens with a tower. They had forgotten that you can’t control love. In the story, God taught them a lesson by confusing their languages and scattering them around the earth. The lesson wasn’t to make it harder to express love. That would be a strange thing for a God who is the essence of love to do. The lesson was to make sure that no one could control love and each person internalized their understanding of love and expressed it in unique ways.

There are many languages of love, including The Five Love Languages outlined by Gary Chapman. Chapman says that each person has a love tank. We need to ask each other how to fill the other’s love tank in specific ways such as his five love languages which are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. It’s a great start and I recommend his book. These are all important languages of love, but it’s not a complete list. I think we could build on this list. I would add space to the list, space for self discovery and personal responsibility. I would add challenge to the list, as in challenging a person to be more of who they are. Love is expressed in a lot more ways than warm fuzzies. Love can be confronting and in-your-face and love can draw clear boundaries to help people to claim their power.

But there is a bigger issue that I suspect Chapman has not accounted for. If you haven’t removed the barriers to love within you, then other people can attempt to fill your tank until they’re blue in the face but you won’t be able to receive it. The interesting thing that Douglas Adams adds to his story is that the Babel fish is responsible for some of the bloodiest wars in history. Relationships are about more than words. Relationships are about more than actions. Relationships are about your willingness to take responsibility for your own barriers to love. Self love is the realization that the one person who is with you from first breath to last, and by your side through each of life’s ups and downs, is yourself. This is the relationship that sets the tone for all others. Love yourself and you will attract the most mutually awesome relationships into your life. When you love and respect yourself, you attract relationships of mutual respect.

Love is An Outlaw

There was a famous 80s song that said “You can’t hurry love.” That’s true but I would go further and say you often can’t even predict love and you can rarely control love. The American author Tom Robbins put it beautifully.

Love is the ultimate outlaw. It won’t adhere to rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question.

Security is out of the question. When you become love’s accomplice, you will steal hearts, and break and enter into the most secure personal space. You will in the words of Bruno Mars’s recent song, “Take a grenade for love. Do anything for love.” You will do it without a trace of certainty that your love will be received or reciprocated. Love offers no guarantees of trust, justice, forgiveness or even courtesy. You can’t always trust the person you love, but it’s easy to love the person you trust. You can’t always forgive the person you love, but it’s easy to love the person you forgive. You don’t always like the person you love, but it’s easy to love the person you like. In this sense trust, forgiveness and empathy are some of love’s accomplices. Build affinity, trust and forgiveness with others and watch your love increase.

Love offers no guarantees. It is a risky business. It MAY bring deep comfort and self assurance at times, but it makes no guarantees. If couples truly realized the risks of what they are doing on their wedding day, they would wear crash helmets. A bride wouldn’t wear a veil, but a crash helmet. Love is an act of faith. Sometimes I look at young couples in front of me at the wedding altar and I feel like sending them out with the instructions, “Do not try this at home without a safety net. It’s risky!” You will be glad to know that I have never said that at a wedding. You are allowed to be romantic on your wedding day. Lessons of love are best learnt under the camouflage of everyday life.

Love is a risky outlaw. But here is the best news. Without the comfort of security, love achieves something far more powerful. Growth and surrender to the moment.

Love is always evolving. The places where you find love also grow and expand. Have you seen those Rick Ruggles photography series? Ruggles has photographed thousands of love hearts that he found in natural settings, whether in a puddle, a cloud or a piece of rusty metal. In our home, we have a beautiful Ruggles poster above our kitchen table with the words “Love is where you find it.” It’s a constant reminder to find love wherever you are and part of the spirit we want to build in our home. If you build a world of inner love, you are always in love’s company. Of course it’s not always easy to remember this truth nor is it neat and tidy. My eight year old reminded me of the unruly nature of love a few years back. One day she was feeling a bit hard done by. She was having a mini tantrum and blurted out, “Love is NOT where you find it.” I had to hold back my giggles. But I’ve never loved her more than in that moment. Whenever I see random heart shapes now I think of the wisdom of my daughter, the truth of authentic love. Instead of getting the giggles, I get the ruggles, the reminder that love is real and everywhere and always changing shape.

As you can imagine this was no laughing matter to my daughter. It was a raw expression of being misunderstood and after saying the words, she composed herself quickly. Within minutes she was skipping around the house. All was forgiven. She did not get her way, but learnt that she could get over disappointment and move on. She had learnt another side of love, and so had I.

Just as love heart shapes can be found in the most natural and basic materials, so love is found in the most fundamental, the rawest, of human emotions- including despair, confusion and disappointment

Love is Transformative

Love is transformative, especially when you stretch your love beyond the people who are easiest to love and include those who are harder to love. The Jewish masters tell a story about an old man walking down a road. The story is told by a passerby who watched the whole thing take place. A horseman appears out of nowhere and charges straight toward the old man who has to throw himself into a ditch to save himself. Clambering out of the ditch, the old man shakes his fist at the horseman riding off into the distance and shouts, “May you be blessed. May your deepest desires be fulfilled!”

The passerby is amazed and asks the man, “Why would you wish such a good thing for someone who nearly killed you?”

The old man answers, “If his deepest desires were fulfilled, he would have no need to run an old man off the road?”

The people who are hardest to love need it the most. The parts of you that are least loveable are the parts that need the most loving. But more than that, it’s good for you to love those who are hardest to love. If you think of love as light, it shines bright with each manifestation of love. There is always light involved in love. There is even more light involved in loving your enemies. Of course there are as many ways to love friend and enemy alike as there are stars lighting up the sky.

Loving enemies doesn’t mean you trust them or even like them. Taken to its extreme, you can even leave a person, a cause or an idea, acknowledging that it’s time to be apart, but do it with love. In this case you simply create space for the other to be who and where they are, and with this space you expand your circle of love.

Love Is Where You Live it

Love is there waiting for you to remove all the barriers and become its accomplice. Once love finds you, however it looks in that moment with its variable face, it wants to be expressed.

Apparently when Oscar Hammerstein lay dying, he sent Broadway musical star, Mary Martin a note, just before she went on stage to perform South Pacific. It read:

“A bell’s not a bell till you ring it.

“A song’s not a song till you sing it.

“Love in your heart is not put there to stay.

“Love isn’t love till you give it away.”

Love is yours. Love IS you. It comes without any money back guarantees of security. But it comes with something far more powerful. It comes with the absolute certainty that you will feel alive and you WILL grow. The certainty of growth is one thing you can take to the bank. You can endorse the check with the one word, LOVE. Love and light in me greets love and light in you. Namaste.

Putting Your Love Life in Perspective

“Doctor,” the embarrassed woman said, “I have a problem. My husband doesn’t excite me anymore. I’m worried there is something wrong with me.” “Mrs. Thomas, bring him back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried man trailed behind his wife to the doctor’s office. “Take off your clothes, Mr. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the wife aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your husband doesn’t excite me either.”

Are you looking for more excitement in your love life? Are you maybe looking for a more exciting way to think about your sexuality in general? Try thinking about sexuality in the broadest possible context. Sex is not just a good and enjoyable activity. Its part of your experience of God, or Spirit, or Universal Love or whatever words you use to describe the mysterious beauty that sources your life and passions. Sex with a loving partner is beautiful; both sex that is soft and soulful, and sex that is hot and steamy. Your body, all of it, is a doorway to sensual spirituality. Your relationships are gateways into that which is greater than all and yet still deeply present in each.

Are you ready to claim the full significance of your sexuality? Are you ready, in the words of Marianne Williamson, to “make love an art, and make love like artists”?

Your sensuality connects you with all species and with the evolution of life itself; fireflies pulse, houseflies flap, moths musk, fish dance, frogs croon, birds plume, mammals strut and preen. People aren’t much different. We whisper sweet, sensual nothings, raise inviting eyebrows, smile suggestive smiles, bat mysterious eyelids, and flirt with playful flair. Flirting is an evolutionary instinct. It’s one of the ways you hint at the possibility of new life. In other words, sexuality is a reminder that you are part of everything and its all pointing beyond itself to the miracle of evolving life.

The world needs more sex. We all need more sex. But not just any sex. Not all sexuality is healthy. We don’t need more commercial, egoic sex. Commercial sexuality that says you must be firmer, longer, larger, longer lasting, and more body perfect, might sell products but it doesn’t lead to a more fulfilling sex life. The media’s surreal parade of perfect bodies and skin-deep liaisons often encourages sexuality that is guilt ridden and competitive. We don’t need competition. We need sexuality that embodies the deepest human longing for connection; with self, with other and with all that is.

When sex is about ego, there is no bliss. Let’s face it. For most of us, there is an element of ego that creeps into sex- the need to perform, the craving to be affirmed, and the fantasies about being a hot Latin lover. When ego takes over, sex can very easily become a cause for self-limiting thoughts and scarcity. Turn the media’s version of sexuality around. Sex is not the search for something that is missing. Sex is the expression of something that has already been found! It’s not so much that you’ve fallen in love. It’s more that love has found you, taken you by the scruff of the heart and left you giddy with the miracle of being alive. Taking ego out of sex is not about taking yourself out of sex. If you truly see yourself with acceptance and truly understand your connection to your lover, you will fall in love and never stop falling.

Rid yourself of the shadow side of sexuality; repressed, needy, detached or abusive sexuality that can lead to so much suffering. Rid your mind of any negative thoughts about your body, and sexuality.

The Baal Shem Tov, a great Jewish master, once said, “When you get these bad thoughts, what’s bad about them is the garments that they’re in. If you take off the bad garments, you see the holy sparks behind them. And these are the ones that glitter in God’s crown.”

Try it out this Valentine’s Day or any other time. In sexual encounters, before taking off your clothes, try stripping away the garments of negative thoughts; unrealistic expectations and guilt, self-limiting beliefs and competitive thoughts. Seek sexuality that is more than skin deep, whether alone or with your partner. Embrace your body beyond the surface. Hold each other in divine embrace and all separation will melt away. Your sexuality connects you with lovers in all times and places. Your sexuality connects you with the source of love itself.

Please visit Soulseeds for many resources including Intimacy for Couples Affirmations.

10 Ways to Build Trust in Your Relationships

The lead up to Valentine’s Day is a mixed time for many people. For some it’s a lonely time. For others, it’s an anxious time as you wonder how to celebrate a less than perfect relationship (wait, that’s true for all of us in relationships). Many people are jaded because their trust has been betrayed and they have high walls of protection erected around their heart. All of us have limits to our trust, and different degrees of trust with different people. In our closest relationships we have an awesome opportunity to experience the deepest trust, possibly the most satisfying of all experiences.

Trust is fragile and yet you also know that the world would be a harsh and suspicious place if you never trusted. Trust changes your whole outlook on life. It makes the world a more open, inviting and friendly place. Don’t give your trust recklessly. Give your trust mindfully; aware that there are no guarantees and there is always the chance you will be hurt again. In your calmest moments, you know that the risk to keep your heart closed is nothing in comparison to the joy of sharing love.

Where would you place your relationships on the trust spectrum? (10 being very trusting, and 0 being very mistrusting). It’s worth taking personal inventory and maybe even initiating a conversation with your partner about your thoughts and hopes. Celebrate the level of trust you have now, and commit to stepping that number up higher with specific and intentional actions. If you’re already at 10, then take it deeper. Trust has no destination. You can always be more trusting.

Are There Any Guarantees?
It seems backward, but the first step to building trust in relationships is to accept that there are no guarantees. As Comedian, Randy Millholand said, “There are people I know who won’t hurt me. I call them corpses.” Trust offers no certainties, or else trust would not be required. But don’t give up working on trust no matter how jaded you feel, or else you might as well be a corpse.

Find your balance. Being jaded and being idealistic are equally dangerous when it comes to relationships.

Be realistic. I have presided over too many weddings where young couples stand before me with stars in their eyes and no idea of how much they will likely hurt each other at some point. Some of these same couples have knocked on my door within weeks or months with awful stories of broken trust.

If people truly realized the intensity of making vows of commitment to another human being for life, they would wear a crash helmet to the wedding. Not a veil, but a crash helmet. Love is an act of faith. I sometimes feel like sending couples out with the instructions, “Do not try this at home without a safety net. It’s risky!”

Be realistic. There are risks involved. But also believe. Believe that there is something stronger than the risk- that is the joy of dropping your guard with another person, letting that person deep into your private world and making a commitment to love each other through thick and thin. Risk your trust in return for the adventure of being in love. Trust opens the gates to love.

You will be relieved to know that I have never used my crash helmet analogy at a wedding. If you can’t be hopelessly romantic on your wedding day, then when can you be?

Something I do say is that trust is more important than love. Saying to another person ‘I trust you” is often more profound than saying “I love you.” You may not always trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. Trust is a gift. When you offer someone the gift of trust, you create an opening for something greater. Trust frees you from your fears and helps you give birth to love.
Building Trust in Relationships

Stephen Covey, son of Stephen Covey who wrote Seven Habits of a Highly Effective People, wrote a book called The Speed of Trust; The One Thing that Changes Everything. He offers the analogy that every relationship has a trust account. When you build trust, you make a deposit. When you break a trust, you make a withdrawal. The withdrawals are typically larger than the deposits. Therefore the fastest way to rebuild the trust account is to stop making withdrawals. The other way to rebuild trust is to make new deposits.

Here are 10 practical ways to rebuild trust.
1. Practice with small and safe deposits first. There are big things to entrust to someone, and there are smaller things. How many people would you trust with your life savings? Probably very few. What about telling someone a secret, or starting a new business with someone? Again, very few. But would you be prepared to trust someone with a smile, or a kind word, even knowing that they might abuse your vulnerability? Start by making small deposits into your trust account and build confidence from there.
2. Gather information to get the greatest return on your investment. Trust, to a certain extent, is built on information. Instead of taking a blind leap of faith, take a calculated risk. Gather as much information as you can before you trust, but keep in mind that trust implies incomplete information. Wendell Berry said this- “Knowledge, like everything else, has its place, and… we need urgently now to put it in its place… Let us…abandon our superstitious beliefs about knowledge: that it is ever sufficient, that it can of itself solve problems… Let us give up our forlorn pursuit of the ‘informed decision.” Gather information, but also be prepared to take a leap with incomplete information.
3. Be transparent. Suspicions often emerge in relationships when people act in a way that is outside their character or routine. Even if you don’t know why you are behaving the way you are, or if you don’t know why you are pushing love away, just express that you are going through something and need some space. Transparency leaves less room for imagination that can easily create unnecessary drama.
4. Be consistent. Make sure your words match the way you live. Mean what you say and say what you mean. There is nothing that can devastate trust more quickly than inconsistency.
5. Believe in the strength of your partner. He/ she can deal with your feelings and doubts and questions. Express yourself as lovingly as you can, and trust your partner to stay with your honest thoughts and feelings.
6. Agree to boundaries with other family and friends. Your relationship has its own intimacy boundaries, and this has as much to do with sharing private information and personal feelings as sex. If you are telling a friend something that you haven’t or wouldn’t tell your partner, you may have crossed a line. This can create major barriers to trust.
7. Don’t confuse trust with forgiveness. They operate differently. You usually forgive people well before you trust them. You might forgive an apologetic jewel thief, but not leave him alone in a jewelry store. You might forgive people who have hurt you, but not leave them alone with your heart. If there has been a breach of trust, work at forgiveness as the first step towards trust.
8. Each person has their own trust account. People operate their trust accounts differently. You need to deposit into the other person’s trust account in a way that speaks to that person. Garrison Keilor tells a story about a couple who had been married for many years. The woman wrote a sonnet to her husband that amongst all the things she loved about him it was when he was working on the broken washing machine that she gained a “trust for tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.” Be clear about how trust accrues, and ask direct questions to know how trust builds for others.
9. If you have breached a trust, don’t make things worse by lying about it. Take responsibility quickly, and begin regaining broken trust. The more time that passes, the more tangled the web, the harder it is to come back from broken trust.
10. If in your situation the broken trust is too deep, then work at a healthy ending to the relationship. There is more at stake than the relationship (and kids if there are kids involved). Your ability to trust yourself and get back on a path with integrity is the biggest issue at stake. Work towards loving and leaving the relationship, giving thanks for what it has meant, forgiving life for disappointing your expectations and moving forward positively.

Trust – What Are You Ultimately Protecting?
A Zen Master lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening, while he was away, a thief sneaked into the hut only to find there was nothing in it to steal. The Zen Master returned and found him. “You have come a long way to visit me,” he told the prowler, “and you should not return empty handed. Please take my clothes as a gift.” The thief was bewildered, but he took the clothes and ran away. The Master sat naked, watching the moon. “Poor fellow,” he mused,” I wish I could give him this beautiful moon.”

The beautiful thing about this story is that the Zen Master wasn’t holding on too tightly, so trust was easier for him. Be generous in your relationships. The more freely you give, the less you will feel that you have to lose.

Maybe you don’t need a crash helmet after all. Life is generous, and always offers second chances. People are flawed, but there are always opportunities to rebuild trust. You have an inner courage to get back up after being hurt and keep loving anyway. Let go, trust the adventure of being alive and enjoy intimacy without defensiveness.

Take the chance to send a Soulseeds Valentine's Affirmation to all you care about- friends, family and colleagues. It will be a general affirmation of appreciation, and not a romantic message designed for a partner. www.soulseeds.com/love/

The Law of Attraction- You Get What You Give

The Eighteenth Century Jewish master, Tzemech Tzedek, was once asked to pray for a seriously ill child. He said to the family, “Tracht gut vet zain gut,” a Yiddish phrase which means “Think good, and it will be good.” The child recovered. The Rabbi asked the family when the child began to turn around. They told him it was the minute they began to think positive thoughts. Stories such as this appear in many spiritual traditions. Jesus described it as “your faith has made you well.”

What is the power of the mind? Is it the ability to bend spoons, a la Uri Geller, or is it the presence of mind to reframe thoughts and take a larger perspective? The mind is certainly powerful and I’m sure that we don’t even know the full extent of the mind’s untapped powers if you take into account our subconscious mind. Either way, the ability to frame your experiences and beliefs in a healthy perspective is potentially more powerful than any magic potion or faith healing.

Let me begin with an inspiring story that will help to reframe any skepticism you may be feeling. Toni Bernhard is an author with a chronic illness. She was profiled on NPR last Sunday. Toni’s book is called How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers. It’s a beautiful example of reframing thoughts from a very intelligent and rational person. She became sick in 2001 and never got better. She barely leaves her bed, although for a time she continued lecturing in law while sitting in a chair. After she had been through many of the normal reactions to an illness like denial and blame, she came to some peace with her illness by practicing two Buddhist meditations. The first is called Mudita, which is a way of finding joy in the joy of others. For example, when she couldn’t be at her grandchild’s graduation another family member texted her details as they happened. She felt their joy. The second practice is Tonglen which is a method of breathing in the suffering of others and breathing out joy. She practiced it when she couldn’t attend functions, and she would breathe in the pain of the many people around the world who also can’t be with loved ones. She has a wonderful attitude, very real and honest but also an ability to reframe circumstances. She said this on the NPR interview-

It has taken several years — and many tears — to learn how to thrive in my new life. I still have rough days when I wish I could do whatever I want. But really, who can do that anyway? On the whole, I’m content and at peace with what I can do. Even if it’s from the bed.

Toni Bernhard is practicing the Law of Attraction. What she is achieving is even more powerful than a miracle cure or an unexplained remission. She is in her words “turning straw into gold.” She is taking the raw and harsh elements of human existence and creating alchemy by transforming them into strength of character and joy. The fact that she is sourcing her joy out of a spiritual tradition is an encouragement to those of us who look to the stories and practices of many traditions to live well and fully.

Make no mistake. The Law of Attraction is powerful beyond anything you have ever imagined. Its healing and transformative powers reach back to ancient Egyptian culture. Reframe your skepticism and allow yourself to entertain the possibility that there is at least a kernel of truth to the Law of Attraction. If you’re already there, open your mind to even greater power. If you’re not quite there yet, stretch your perspective just a little to include more power to your thoughts than you previously gave them.

It’s an interesting side note that Norman Vincent Peale, the father of positive thinking in America, was a minister in the Reformed Church in America. His legacy is a fine one. His unfortunate prejudice was his anti Catholic attitude. It led to a lot of criticism from his peers. Adlai Stevenson once said, “As a Christian, I find the Apostle Paul appealing and the Apostle Peale appalling.” It’s a nice play on words and a cutting criticism of prejudice.

Prejudice aside, where did positive thinking, a la Norman Vincent Peale, originate? Barbara Ehrenreich’s 2009 book, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America offers an interesting analysis of positive thinking in America. She says it was a reaction to the gloomy Calvinism that first arrived with the pilgrims. Positive thinking arose out of a new theology where God was no longer controlling and judgmental, but was the all pervasive energy of love and goodness in the world. This seems like a healthy development. But Ehrenreich goes on to describe the shadow side of positive thinking- a new form of guilt and works salvation. Your righteousness is no longer measured by a judgmental God, but is now measured by how positive you are.

As we venture into the exciting and partly mysterious realm of the Law of Attraction, let us avoid both forms of judgment. You don’t need to suffer for God or limit your life with self loathing to appease God’s judgment. Nor should you have any fear that the Law of Attraction is a new rod, to beat you for not being positive enough or not recovering quickly enough. The foundation for the Law of Attraction is grace and kindness. There is no hierarchy of positive thinkers, and there is no punishment for skepticism other than the torment you put yourself through by scrunching up your brain in cranky fear. Life is awesome, and your life can be more incredible than you usually allow yourself to believe.

Begin with grace and kindness, allowing yourself to believe that it’s ok to enjoy life. From this beginning, allow your kind thoughts to stretch beyond yourself. There is more than enough love and grace to go around and the more blessings you seek for others, the more you will experience yourself.

The Essence of The Law of Attraction

As well as reframing your voice of skepticism to allow room for new possibilities, allow your skepticism to speak its mind. How do you explain the situations where you desperately want suffering, your own and others, to end, but it doesn’t? There are times when your attitude is strong, you do everything you can. You visualize health and wellness, you speak positively, you think positive thoughts, and yet you don’t get the healing you are looking for, or the solutions you are looking for. How do you explain this? Does it deny the Law of Attraction?

Maybe it’s a misunderstanding of the Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction is not about getting what you want. Most of the time, you don’t even know what you really want. You think you want wealth but once you get it, it doesn’t smell as sweet as you imagined. This Scandinavian story illustrates the problem with desire-

A gnome lived in the forest under the root of a tree. He had one big wish: more than anything else in the world he wanted to own a green hunter’s bag. This gnome used to think about his green hunter’s bag by day and dream about it at night. He had visualized it a thousand times. Then, one day, the gnome received a beautiful green hunter’s bag as a gift. His dream had come true; his all-consuming wish had been fulfilled. The gnome owned a green hunter’s bag. Now you would have expected him to be outrageously happy. But instead, he moaned, “It’s a nice hunter’s bag, only it’s not quite as green as I had imagined it!

One of the blocks to the Law of Attraction is the insatiable desire that always thinks the grass is greener on some other side. The grass isn’t greener on the other side. There is no other side. The grass is green where you water it, and you can water your thoughts in every moment, wherever you are, with mindfulness and perspective.

The Law of Attraction is not about getting what you think you want. It’s not even about getting what you have convinced yourself that you need. Desire is so often built around a false understanding of who you are. Do you remember one of the Snicker’s commercials from last year’s Super Bowl? Four young guys are on a road trip. When one gets hungry he turns into Aretha Franklin and another turns into Liza Minnelli. Their friend says, “Eat something. Every time you get hungry, you turn into a diva.” The commercial ends with the slogan, “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” It’s a cunning trick of the voice of desire to convince you that unless you get this promotion or some unknown level of wealth, you won’t amount to anything as a person. The Law of Attraction is not about feeding the ego. The Law of Attraction is not about getting what you need. Often, you’re like a hamster on a wheel chasing your tail; and then wondering why you’re coughing up fur balls.

The Law of Attraction is not about want or need. It is about attracting “like” to “like”. The more you grow to understand yourself, the more you understand what you are attracting into your life. It becomes clear what is serving you, and filling your life with joy. You seek more of that by BEING more of that, and it finds you because it IS you. What you want, what you need and who you are become one. When you live with this sort of flow, walls turn into doors, hurdles turn into spring boards and crises turn into opportunities. You are at ease with everything that happens and you turn ordinary moments into occasions for incredible joy.

You may feel that the Law of Attraction is not working, or else you may need to reframe your thoughts or retrain your true awareness of who you are. Remember that the Law of Attraction also partners with a lot of other laws, including surrender of outcomes, patience, action and cause and effect. So beware of using the Law of Attraction as an excuse for inaction or laziness.

The Law of Attraction and The Golden Rule

This next point is SO important at this time in history. The Law of Attraction is never a substitute for taking personal responsibility. It’s a partnership AND it’s not all about you and your blessings. The Law of Attraction can easily become narcissistic if it’s not partnered with the Golden Rule. When you are truly living out of your authentic or highest self, you know that your wellbeing is intimately related to the wellbeing of others. The platinum rule goes even further than the Golden Rule. The Platinum Rule says that you should seek more for the other than you do for yourself. The Law of Attraction is about being whole, which is more than the fortunes of any one individual. You may have been blessed with optimum health, but as long as others are suffering there is more to be done. You may have been blessed with great wealth but as long as others are living in poverty there is more to be done. As long as people are suffering and you can do something about it, there is more to do.

One of the great spiritual gurus of the past century is the Indian sage Baba Neem Karoli, better known as Maharaji. People from all over the world travelled to India to visit with Maharaji. They wanted to know the secret to a happy and full life. He said to them, “Feed people.” Surprised, they would question him again. He answered, “Serve people.” He said that the secret to a happy life is to feed people, serve people and help people. Part of the secret to the Law of Attraction is to make sure that you are manifesting for others what you deeply desire for yourself. If you want more friends, then be a friend to others. If you want more money, then give more money to others. If you want more praise, then give more praise to others. The effect of the Law of Attraction is multiplied by the power of many intentions working together for the good of the whole.

The Law of Attraction and Egypt

Apply the Law of Attraction to current world events. We are in the middle of an unprecedented global shift, centered in the Middle East. Where did the revolutions in Tunisia and Egypt come from, and where is it all heading? The Law of Attraction invites us to ask two very different questions.

1. What did we, the world community, do to attract this situation? How can we learn from the past?
2. What do we want to attract from this point forward?

1. How did we attract this situation?

Take your mind back to the Hebrew Prophets who had their own way of practicing the Law of Attraction. Listen to these words from Isaiah chapter 19 and see if it doesn’t ring any bells.

I will stir up Egyptian against Egyptian—
brother will fight against brother,
neighbor against neighbor,
city against city,
kingdom against kingdom.
The Egyptians will lose heart,
and I will bring their plans to nothing;
they will consult the idols and the spirits of the dead,
the mediums and the spiritists.
I will hand the Egyptians over
to the power of a cruel master,
and a fierce king will rule over them,”
declares the Lord, the LORD Almighty. Isaiah 19;2-4

The prophets weren’t predicting anything as specific as what is playing out right now, but they were offering a profound comment on the Law of Attraction. Their prophecy was for the fall of Egypt that was followed by a rebirth. They predicted internal and external conflict and the oppression of a dictator. The incredible thing is that we’re somewhere in the middle of their prophecy, maybe watching a key moment in the ongoing ebb and flow. The amazing truth of the Law of Attraction is that we are ALWAYS in the middle of its manifestation. Who can even say if there is an end or an outcome? Everything is always evolving and changing. We are all in a constant cycle of fall and rebirth. The Law of Attraction is about what inner character we manifest through all the uncertainty.

The prophets weren’t offering Nostradamus style predictions. They were describing the natural state of life and the pendulum swing of human desire. How did we attract the most recent conflict in the Middle East? The chickens may be coming home to roost for the cause and effect cycle of the past forty years, including American support of dictators such as Mubarak. Partly out of fear of fundamentalist Islamic government, America has generally supported the pro West, secular governments even when run by loathsome dictators. The mantra has been ‘better the oppressive secular government you know than the Islamic government you don’t know.” We can’t be surprised that people will eventually rise up against dictators. We need to start looking for the middle ground between fundamentalist religious government and oppressive secular rule. The chickens are coming home to roost. The REaction matches the actions of many years. We are reaping what we sowed for many decades. This is one side of the Law of Attraction.

2. Looking forward, how can we apply the Law of Attraction in a healthy way?

The other side of the Law of Attraction is what we want to manifest moving forward. Take a lead from the protestors in Cairo. People who have never before been active are getting involved in peaceful resistance, refusing to be dictated to any longer and seeking the best future for their country. They are networking, door to door and on Twitter and Facebook, to build their movement. 80 year old Arab feminist, Dr. Nawal El Saadawi, who has been fighting injustice for decades and now stands on the front lines in Cairo, said to New York Times Nicholas Kristoff, “I feel I am born again.”

They have broken the barriers of fear, and they are manifesting the possibilities of freedom. Another protestor, Seif Salmawy, said with a smile. “Suddenly we are human beings. We think we can decide and that what we decide has worth and that we have some value as humans. Before there was the president, the police, the army and their money: We the people were just there to serve them.”

Take a cue from Egyptian protestors. Remove some fear and claim your true essence as a person of worth and power. In short get out of your own way. And let those of us in the west get out of the way and create space for Middle Eastern countries to create a democracy that works for them rather than the democracy we want to see. It’s time to trust the people. We have been reminded that under the right circumstances, people can and do claim their destiny.

Get Out of Your Own Way

Let me end with a parable that speaks to the Law of Attraction, both in the Middle East and in every personal situation as well. It’s a parable about a dove that illustrates the danger of looking for manifestation of the Law of Attraction in the wrong places.

Originally doves had no wings. One poor dove was being constantly harassed by a lion. Every day the lion would run after the dove, and the dove would just barely escape. One day the dove prayed for wings and sure enough, she got them. As soon as she saw the lion, she called out to him. The lion charged after the dove, and when he was inches from her, the dove started running away.

But the dove tripped over her new wings. Instead of helping her run faster, the wings got in her way. The lion was on top of her now, and before she could pick herself up…well, you know what happened.

When the dove got to bird heaven, she complained to God, “I prayed for help, and you gave me wings. But instead of the wings helping me to run faster, they interfered with my speed.”

God responded: “I didn’t give you those wings to run with. I gave you the wings to fly with.”

The dove was too fixated on her own perspective to see the possibilities. The Law of Attraction collaborates with possibility when you surrender your expectations and outcomes, forge a powerful intention and take inspired action. Then you will fly. And others will soar alongside you. If you have ears to hear, please hear the message as it relates to your life. The Law of Attraction is powerful. You just need to get out of your own way and approach life with grace and optimism. Today, we stand with Egyptians and claim our destiny as one world community seeking the common good. Namaste.