I don’t often get excited about the words of St. Paul, but this phrase really captured my imagination- “God’s love was poured into our hearts.” (Romans 5; 5) The context of the words was the power of hope in the midst of disappointment.
There is a connection between receptive emotions like love, joy and wonder, and action. Wonder is like a jug; empty, open and ready to be filled. Once the jug has been filled, it’s only natural to share the love. If you have a heart full of love, then pour your love out like a jug of compassion.
The spiritual truth (and the wisdom of Romans 5) is that perceived disappointments are so often new opportunities in disguise. This is part of the wonder of evolution. I don’t always know how or why life is unfolding the way it is, but I can take strength from the fact that it is unfolding. There is always more. Life is packed full of second chances.
At a time when so many of us are craving a new expression of hope, a new form of activism, my hope is that we pause to wonder at our hearts filled with love, and allow this love to cascade out of our hearts with compassion. The power of wonder-filled activism is that your heart always has more love to give.
May you be blessed with moments of love and wonder that take your breath away, and fill your heart with compassion.
Who will ever forget Oscar Rogers on SNL during the early stages of the economic crisis? FIX IT. Find a problem, and FIX IT. Find another problem and FIX IT. Three steps:
1. Fix 2. It 3. FIIIIIIIX IT!
He said the light at the end of the tunnel had broken, and “somebody needs to crawl down to the end of that tunnel and FIX IT!”
It was a beautiful satire on what many of us were doing; pointing fingers, ascribing blame and waiting for someone to FIX IT. If this crisis has taught us anything, it surely must be that no one person and no one thing will fix this situation. It will require a lot of people working together over a long period of time to fix it.
It seems to be human nature to expect someone to FIX IT.
Whole theologies have been built on it. As if the planet is a frail experiment, with a supernatural God fixing and meddling, manipulating and “guilting”, repairing and adjusting. As if prayer is seeking an external God to crawl down to the light at the end of the tunnel of our frail existences and FIX IT. As if the church has some divine authority over our spiritual destiny, to FIX IT.
The need for someone to rescue humanity is itself a problem that needs to be FIXED. It leads to inaction, and broken dreams. Of if you think that you are the fixer, it takes other people’s power away.
Live as though everything depends on you. Or, to use Dietrick Bonhoeffer’s phrase, “live as if there were no God”. This was his attempt to call a post war Christianity (battle hardened and worldly wise) to come of age, to get real and to take responsibility.
The counter point to self responsibility is that the world is made up of people and processes that function outside of me, but are not altogether separate from me. So how do I balance self responsibility and my intimate relationship with all else?
There is a religious maxim, “Believe as if everything depends on God, but live as if everything depends on you.” Maybe this is a reminder that I co-create reality in unison with the flow of Life itself. Or maybe it’s a reminder to balance self responsibility with a detachment from outcomes. I’m not certain what it means. But it does feel right to me to hold a balance between creating my own reality and wearing this same reality as a loose garment for it will surely change.
Susan Jeffers said, “Are you a ‘victim,’ or are you taking responsibility for your life?” I vow to keep Oscar Roger’s voice in my head when I lapse into acting like a victim. FIX IT is a powerless plea. I am a competent, prepared and strong person who creates my own destiny. My destiny finds its expression as an integral part of a cosmic destiny that will flow with or without me. I choose to flow with Life.
The practice of being spiritual is not exactly a precise science, is it? Spirituality dwells in the realm of mystery, metaphor and inner growth which are all so hard to measure. I equate it to watching the weather channel. If you use language that is ambiguous enough and statistics that are pliable enough, you can prove anything. The weather channel says there is an 80% chance of rain. Great. They can’t lose. If it rains, it’s the 80% chance. If it doesn’t rain, it’s the 20%.
Did you know that 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot?
I read a great example of this during the week. Brad Pitt came out as an atheist. Sort of. He was asked if he believed in God. He said he was 20% atheist and 80% agnostic. That doesn’t leave much room for his Southern Baptist upbringing. And it answers the age old question- Yes, you can be an atheist and be extremely hot. I’m sorry- You can be an atheist and be an extremely moral person.
Statistics about religious affiliation and belief in God have been intriguing over the last couple of years. Only 73% of church going Protestants are absolutely certain that a personal God exists. That means that 27% of Protestants are agnostic. At least I think it does. But I’m agnostic about what the statistics mean.
At the same time, 72% of US adults who never go to church do believe in God. Why don’t they go to church? It has nothing to do with God. It has to do with the people who work for God. 72% of them don’t go to church because the church is full of hypocrites. 44% say that Christians “get on their nerves.” view article
Here is my favorite statistic: 21% of atheists say that they believe in God. 12% of atheists believe in heaven and 10% pray at least once a week. Over 50% of agnostics say they believe in God.
In the same study, 75% of American Buddhists say they believe in God. That is really surprising considering that Buddhism is a non-theistic religion. view article
Drilling down the results one step further, respondents were allowed to choose between a personal God and an impersonal force. Atheists and Buddhists were more likely to opt for an impersonal force. So maybe there is something in that distinction. Today I want to explore what it means to believe in God, and how it relates to spirituality. Belief in God and Religion?
Clearly organized religion (or “organized superstition” as Bill Maher calls it) does not have a monopoly on God. Maybe more to the point, Christianity does not have a monopoly on God. In the same study, 61% say the Christian God is “no different from the gods or spiritual beings depicted by world religions such as Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.” This is exciting, as it indicates a trend towards a more open and accepting theology.
Enough statistics. Lets dig into the language and the trends a little.
Spiritual interest includes but is much larger than religious practice. Or to put that another way, practicing religion is one valid way of being spiritual, if we define spirituality as life’s journey of growth, connections and meaning.
I suspect the problem with the surveys is that they are missing a box for people to check. Asking people whether they believe in God or not doesn’t get to the heart of the issue. I want to explore this point further.
One of the features that I think many modern people share in common is the trend away from a second hand God. No More Second Hand God
No More Second Hand God is the title of a book by Buckminster Fuller, 20th century inventor and visionary. Bucky, as he was known, was SBNR (Spiritual but not Religious) in the 1940s. He had no interest in religious doctrines such as the afterlife. There is too much to be done and experienced in this life. But he did speak about God. God for Bucky was a verb and not a noun. God was the evolutionary process, the unity of the universe. He took seriously his own role as part of this universal process.
He had a radical sense of activism that grew out of his own life experience. When he was 32, his life was hopeless. He was unemployed and bankrupt. His first born had died, he was trying to support his family, and he was drinking heavily. He contemplated suicide. In the moment of contemplating suicide, as he stood at the edge of Lake Michigan, something shifted in him. He was convicted that his life was not his own. It belonged to the universe. He decided to work on behalf of all humanity.
He tirelessly practiced God as a verb. He sought ways of doing more with less. He pioneered ground breaking structures, like pre-fabricated dwellings and streamlined cars. During WW2 his geodesic dome was widely praised as a solution to world housing shortages. Many of his ideas would now be out of date. However for the time, he was a leader in ecological design.
Bucky was a pioneer of the type of experience of God that translates into practical compassion that many people in and out of the church today aspire to; where God is a personal experience and not a being in the sky, and this experience is direct and first hand.
One story stands out for me in relation to Bucky and a first hand experience of God as a verb. Bucky was great mates with the American poet, E.E. Cummings. The two of them would awaken early when they were together and greet the rising sun. They would face east, and feel the quiet solitude and rhythms of nature. After the colors of the sky began to emerge, Bucky would raise both arms to the sky and welcome the morning with the words, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” First Hand Experience of God
Bucky is one of the SBNR pioneers. He captured the spirit of what I believe many people today mean when they use the word God. Brad Pitt may have been influenced by his other half, Angelina Jolie, who is also an atheist. When she was asked if she believes in God, she said, “There doesn’t need to be a God for me. There’s something in people that’s spiritual, that’s godlike.” Ah, I like that. A first hand experience of something godlike. Does that resonate for you? Maybe that gets at part of the reason why some atheists can still say they believe in God. They may be referring to the nameless mystery that compels life forward.
It’s inspiring to hear people like Angelina Jolie offer an SBNR view of spirituality, and one that resonates so much more clearly for many people than the literalism of The Passion of the Christ. Have you noticed how hard it is to be critical of The Passion of the Christ? It’s as if you are criticizing Jesus himself. People, it’s a movie. Jesus is not actually in the movie. It’s an actor playing Jesus.
Monica-Bellucci, the actress who played Mary Magdalene in The Passion of the Christ was asked if she believes in God. She said, “I’m agnostic, even though I respect and I’m interested in all religions. If there’s something I believe in, it’s a mysterious energy, the one that fills the oceans during tides, the one that unites nature and beings.”
Nice! A mysterious energy and a unity, maybe like the impersonal force that many religious and non-religious people in the surveys refer to. I wonder how many people would tick the box if surveys offered language such as “mysterious energy and unity”?
Arriving at your own Convictions
One of the features of a first hand experience of God is arriving at your own convictions, rather than being told what to think.
Mark Twain expressed this nicely in his 1959 autobiography:
“In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.”
All the spiritual traditions encourage you to think for yourself, examine everything. Accept nothing you hear from others without first passing it through your own inner wisdom.
There is a beautiful Jewish story related to following your conscience. It revolves around a poor family in Poland. It is told by an old man about a time when he was nine years old. The family ate very plainly during the week, but on a Friday the mother would cook up a luxurious bean stew. The boy was so excited he could barely contain himself. He played outside waiting for dinner, until he heard a blood curdling scream. His mother had mixed the stew with a spoon that had dairy traces on it. Mixing dairy and meat was strictly forbidden. The stew would have to be thrown out. The boy was devastated and convinced his family to wait while he sought advice from the local Rabbi. After telling his story, the Rabbi said to him, “You are too young to be dealing with such a weighty matter as this. Go home and tell your parents to come and see me.” When he got home, his parents asked him what the Rabbi said. He answered, “The Rabbi said to throw away the spoon and eat the stew.” As an old man, retelling the story, his point was to follow your own convictions, especially when it comes to bean stew.
Your Loyalty is to Convictions, not Tradition
There was an inspiring example of this same point during the week. Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptist Convention over its treatment of women. He has been a lifelong member and leader in that church. This is a monumental decision. He has been working with a group of elders around the world, under the leadership of Nelson Mandela. The elders include leaders from all religious traditions as well as non religious leaders and atheists. They have been discussing how to respond to the various global challenges in an integrated way. Jimmy Carter’s decision came as a result of the group’s discussions. There are countless men around the world who oppress women because of unexamined acceptance of second hand interpretations of ancient Bible texts. There are countless women around the world who accept such hatred because of the same unexamined beliefs.
I’m not for a second suggesting that the Elders were concluding that atheism is the true perspective, or even that all religion is destructive. I do however think that the Elders are arriving at the same conclusion as millions of people worldwide; that God or spirit is the consciousness of that which is greater than all and yet present in each. It is unity and awareness. And it manifests as a calling to serve a greater good, and be part of a greater whole. Religion is not the only place to practice God as a verb, and in many cases it’s the last place you will experience God first hand.
This is a one minute video of Carter speaking about religion and oppression:
Do You Believe in God?
I’m often asked the question, “Do you believe in God?” This is my answer- If by God you mean a personal being who is like a puppeteer controlling our lives from outside, loving some over others and condemning some people to eternal suffering, then no. If by God you mean a racist, misogynistic being who manipulates people and situations to further his own ends, then no. If you mean the God who is possessed by Christians alone, then no. I see no evidence for this God, I feel no need for this God and I won’t allow this God in my life. It adds nothing of value to my life.
If by God you mean an impersonal force that is the unity of all things, a force that belongs to no religion, and is not even contained by religion, the Source of life that resides within me and yet compels me to stretch beyond myself, then sign me up. I can check that box.
I believe that it is part of the human psyche to worship something. Choose carefully what you worship. If you worship money or possessions, they will eat you alive. You will never have enough, never be enough. You will always be striving. If you worship your ideas or your beliefs, it will be like chasing the wind. You will be like the greyhound chasing the mechanical rabbit, always out of reach because it is constantly moving.
If you choose to worship the God of your understanding, and by whatever name, you will come to a place of deep peace and contentment that will compel you to serve the world and be all you can be.
This is a time of crisis for many people. Many people stand at the edge of hopelessness just as Buckminster Fuller stood at the edge of Lake Michigan. At a time in my life when I experienced that hopelessness, I gave up the personal interventionist God because it made no sense to me and it didn’t help me in the crisis. What I discovered in its place was a first hand experience of a presence so palpable, and a power so passionate that I took responsibility for my own choices. I gave up trying to control the circumstances of the crisis, and took control of my inner character.
What do you worship?
Do you believe in God? Does a fish believe in water? Its all there is. Do you believe in air? Of course you do. You feel it blowing against your face. Do you believe in the sun? You see its blinding radiance and its warmth against your body.
You believe in inner peace. You believe in love and compassion. You believe in beauty and nature.
Make it a daily practice to stand before life with your hands outstretched, take a deep bow and say, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
Never underestimate the potential to learn from anyone and everyone who crosses your path. One particular teacher arrived for me, moving slowly, on two canes. The canes were holding up a body that had known so much life. I saw him there, attentive and sharp, and knew that there was a story to be told. Only after his death, did I truly know the extent of his courage.
Teachers come in all shapes and sizes, and you have to be ready to be surprised if you want to learn from brilliance. There were some Sundays I rushed past this man with his canes. I had places to be. If I had stopped long enough, I would have discovered that the canes masked a life of athleticism and joy. What else am I missing? What other inspirations are passing me by?
Early this year, the Washington Post conducted an experiment. They arranged for one of the best violinists in the world, Joshua Bell, to play a 3.5 million dollar violin in the subway during rush hour. Two days earlier, Bell played to a full theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.
He played anonymously in the subway for 45 minutes. In that time, only six people stopped to listen and he collected a total of $32. At the end, no one applauded. He simply packed up and left. The only person who really paid attention was a three year old boy who was quickly hurried on by his mother.
A verse in the Bible that has always intrigued me says, “Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by this some have entertained angels without knowing it.” (Hebrews 13:2)
Who are the angels in your life that inspire and teach you? Do you always recognize them straightaway? Do you pause long enough to appreciate brilliance when you aren’t expecting it?
If we hurry past one of the best musicians in the world without paying attention, what else are we missing? If you expect all your teachers to be standing by a white board with a book and marker in hand, you might miss the ordinary brilliance that surrounds you every day.
Learn from children to be happy for no particular reason. Learn from pets to immerse yourself in life with playful abandon. Learn from veterans to throw yourself into service of others without fully knowing the cost. Learn from the dying to let go and from those in recovery to hang on. Learn from nameless janitors and men with canes. Be inspired by underground musicians and people with stories of courage
Keep paying attention to all of them, lest you miss entertaining angels in disguise.
I only cleaned the pool butt naked one time. That’s all it took to learn the lesson. I was home alone. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. All was calm and peaceful as I moved around the edge of the pool with skimming pole in hand. I was so taken with my garden paradise, lost in the tranquility of it all, that I didn’t hear the pool guy arrive. He had unexpectedly come to fix the filter, and either my hearing is suspect or else he is a very quiet man. I didn’t know he was there until I turned around and we found ourselves cheek to cheek (so to speak). I carefully lowered my pole and toweled up. Paradise was lost, and there was no Eve to blame for this one.
The poor guy was professional enough to keep his gaze high and act as if this happened everyday in pools all around Grand Haven. We did share a light joke about it, laughing about the hypothetical headlines in tomorrow’s newspaper. Many people have only ever seen me in a business suit. Shorts and crocs are enough of a shock for some people - without going to naked extremes.
Do you remember seeing your school teacher for the first time out of school? It was almost unthinkable for me to come to the realization that my teacher had a life, a family of her own, went to shops, etc. It is certainly surprising for some people to see me with my family or having a drink in a bar.
What are your expectations of spiritual teachers? Do you expect them to exist on some higher plane, exuding patience and virtue? How do you feel about their exposed limitations and insecurities?
My hope is to offer spiritual teachings that grow out of my own experience of life, and when helpful, to share the naked truth about my own vulnerability. I have high ideals and a massive vision. My vision demands a personality and presence that is sometimes larger than I am ready to believe I can offer. But I am driven forward and demand that of myself because this is the point of my teaching. Abundance is discovered in self discovery.
I believe that all people can dwell in divine abundance. I believe that deep down in places you can barely remember, you are destined to live in divine abundance. At the same time, like me, you might be a restless person who experiences self doubt and anxiety. The abundance that I speak of is not an escape from insecurity, but an acceptance that insecurity is breeding some other truth in you if you can stay awake, stay open, listen, learn, and grow.
I want to inspire deeper humanity. I want to remind you that your vulnerability is just as sacred as your perfection. As Leonard Cohen said, “Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
You don’t have to let too much light in, nor let it all in at once - especially when the pool guy stops by. Let SOME light in, trust those around you with your humanity, and be trustworthy with the humanity of others. You can offer no greater gift. As Maya Angelou said so wisely, “When you learn, teach. When you get, give.”
This is the spirit of the www.soulseeds.com Daily Affirmations. Each affirmation offers a way to create meaning in the experiences of your life, to heal the cracks by shining light and love on them. They offer a way to practice being human, first in the safety of your own mind (or by reading them to your best friend, as I know one dog owner does each morning), and then in the world where it can be so hard to stay grounded. The affirmations bring you greater ease with who and where you are, while opening the door to a deeper peace.
A key component of spiritual growth is authenticity. An interesting translation of the Hebrew name for God is “I will be what tomorrow demands.” Celebrate the joy of being you in this moment. It’s not where you will be tomorrow, but it is perfect for today. As you find the joy of acceptance, the you that you are becoming will unfold effortlessly like a rising sun.
For a week I hobbled around like a three legged dog. Feeling pretty sorry for myself, I resigned myself to a life of stagnant misery. As I balanced frozen blueberries on my knee, I mumbled irrational thoughts to no one in particular, “There goes the overnight bike ride with my nine year old. There goes a week of yoga camp in August. They might as well put me straight in the nursing home.” If someone had said to me, “Look on the bright side. . .” I would have raised my swollen, sorry excuse for a knee to boot them in the butt, and then screamed in agony.
Of course, there has been a bright side. My shoddy shoulder and creaking back healed with the much needed rest and I enjoyed the extra time to write and plan. And a week later, now that the blood has drained from my knee and back into my common sense, I am leaping up steps and planning bike rides.
Is it just me, or is human nature to catastrophize and obsess about what we are lacking? Consider that question rhetorical.
How does this work? Can I have what I want in life, or do I need to accept what I get?
Jesus said, “Seek and you will find.” Really? As Woody Allen noted, “If only God would give me a sign, like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
At a time of crisis such as this, with people worried that their most basic needs might not be met, it’s hard to see that this is also the best of times- with amazing creativity and resourcefulness emerging. Is it insensitive to suggest that people should look on the bright side and attract abundance into their lives?
The Law of Attraction is not about getting what you want. Half the time, I don’t know what I really want. The Law of Attraction is not even about getting what you need. Often, I’m like a hamster on a wheel chasing my tail; and then wondering why I’m coughing up fur balls.
The law of attraction is about attracting “like” to “like”. The more I grow to understand myself, the more I understand what I am attracting into my life. It becomes clear what is serving me, and filling my life with joy. I seek more of that by BEING more of that, and it finds me because it IS me. What I want, what I need and who I am become one.
Joan Borysenko puts it like this -
“The connection between what we hope for and our own self is a field of infinite power and potential that can open doors that seemed to be closed, or were invisible to start with. What we seek also seeks us.”
When you live the Law of Attraction, walls turn into doors, hurdles turn into spring boards and crises turn into opportunities. Knees still swell up. Jobs are lost. Economies recess. Pain is deep. It’s just that it bothers you less. You deal with the challenge, and keep moving towards your essential vision.
Here are some affirmations you can say to yourself:
I seek strength and instead receive challenges that make me strong. I seek wisdom and instead receive experience that makes me wise. I seek prosperity and instead receive grace and grit that keeps me moving forward. I seek courage and instead receive challenges that make me resilient. I seek love and instead receive people who teach me what love is. I seek favors and instead receive opportunities that prove my resourcefulness.
I am becoming more of who I essentially am. I am divine abundance. I am divine. I am.
Let go of blame. Let go of judgment. Free yourself to live in the infinite power that opens doors that you hadn’t even seen. What you seek will find you.
Millions of people around the world wept when Susan Boyle sang I Dreamed a Dream on the TV show Britain’s Got Talent. The situation couldn’t have been choreographed to be any more inspiring. This was a rare moment of awakened humanity. The surprise on the faces of the judges was matched by the surprise of Susan Boyle who grew in confidence with every breath and note.
We wept because there was a part of every one of us, even those of us who are tone deaf, that WAS Susan Boyle that day. She was dreaming a universal dream, singing a song for all of us. She stood before the judges, composed herself and released a power that came from so deep within her that it appeared to be coming from beyond her.
The surprise factor was magnificent. She didn’t look talented. She didn’t even look like a singer. The sound of her voice resonated with the part in all of us that can scarcely believe our power and potential. We shrink from it, and suppress the vision out of fear.
Spiritual democracy affirms that every person has a beautiful and unique voice, and our spiritual responsibility is to coax it out of each other. It is the task of teacher, friend and colleague to call out, sometimes with surprise, the voice within. This inner voice taps into the One Voice, the Source of All Voices that has a surreal appearance but couldn’t be any more real. It is the voice we often stumble on during crises and dreams, meditation and trances; anytime when we get our ego out of the way and let the inner voice sing. It leads to reactions like, “I don’t know where that came from” and “I was channeling some other power.”
We get the ego out of the way when we drop our defense mechanisms such as cynicism and judgment. Once the world dropped its judgment on the appearance of Susan Boyle, we were liberated by her genius. My favorite moment in Susan Boyle’s performance was when Simon Cowell stopped being a judge for a moment and allowed himself to be surprised. His mouth formed the shape of the sound, “Awww”, which incidentally is universal language for “Divine Wonder.”
Hopefully, we look at each other differently because of Susan Boyle. Hopefully, we are a little more forgiving and supportive. Like Susan, you will have your off days, and some days you won’t have the inner gumption to face the public. Give yourself a break, compose yourself and then sing again.
There is a power and passion within every person. Sometimes it lays dormant, waiting to be awakened. Expect to find greatness in others. Expect brilliance. Be prepared to be surprised. Tone down the inner judge and allow yourself to be inspired.
Now apply this notion of spiritual democracy to the turbulent situation in Iran. Spiritual democracy asserts that everyone has a valid voice, including minorities and protesters.
Iran stands before its western judges like a shell shocked Susan Boyle. Many in the west seem to doubt that democracy is possible in Iran. Allow the unexpected to surprise you. It may not look like democracy in America, but an Iranian form of democracy is quite possible. Islam is just as diverse as Christianity. Muslim reformers and Sunnis, the majority expression of Islam in the world today, teaches that leaders should be elected and held accountable by the people. They assert that spiritual leaders are fallible and people should develop personal relationships with the God of their understanding rather than swallowing the teachings hook, line and sinker. Sufis and Bahai’is, mystical and non dogmatic branches of Islam, number in the millions in Iran.
Democracy in Iran certainly has some hurdles. The recent election was a reminder that it’s not voting that defines a democracy, but the counting of votes. The death of silent protester, Neda, was a reminder that that there is tremendous fear of spiritual democracy.
Spiritual democracy is the petulant belief that people and nations can rise above challenges and that diverse voices will eventually be heard. These diverse voices will eventually be seen for what they are; the fulfillment of a higher calling to serve the greater whole.
The challenge of democracy is ego; self serving voices. The task of spiritual democracy is to take infallibility away from the rulers, and offer each person a voice in the co-creative process. The ideal of spiritual democracy is each person coming to the table and speaking not for self interests, but for the highest good of all.
Bring on the day when the people of Iran, America, and every place can express their authentic voices. Bring on the structures of family, education and government that serve this greater whole. Susan Boyle represents every individual and every nation as we live out our true calling to boldly sing the songs of the self in community.
As Walt Whitman said,
“I celebrate myself, and sing myself, And what I assume you shall assume, For every atom belonging to me as good as belongs to you.”
I don’t often get excited about the words of St. Paul, but this phrase really captured my imagination- “God’s love was poured into our hearts.” (Romans 5; 5) The context of the words was the power of hope in the midst of disappointment.
